Life is a Pig Stye

I haven’t posted in a while (duh) because I have been so down about life.  I am having a real hard time emotionally and spiritually speaking.  I used to be so optimistic and hopeful.  Lately these days I view the world with much disdain and pessimism.  I know in my gut that this attitude of looking at things, is so not me.  However, given that just about every belief I have had, has been shaken to its core, I am not sure how else to look at life or move forward.

The whole hope was that this summer I would once again fall into something deep and meaningful that would help me keep a slightly “peachy” outlook on life.  To help me feel in tune with the universe, even when the path it sets me on, is not the path I had hoped and intended for.  If anything, I have learned that I am a person who needs the meaning.  No matter how small and insignificant it may seem to others.

The whole breaking of my foot, really put a damper on things.  I am not so sure how to proceed.  I am not sure how to find forgiveness, let alone acceptance, in the fact that my life is nothing how I had intended or asked it to be.  And while I know, know, know, know that life isn’t about getting what you want, I was under the belief that the universe would give what is asked if you “put it out there” with great intent, thought and dedication.  I can’t help but wonder if perhaps I just wasn’t that dedicated. . . and then I start to wonder if life simply is random, and kismet, fate, destiny. . .what have you, is all just the stuff fairy tales are made of.  (However, still, from a mathematical point of view, and considering the great vastness of the universe, how could everything be so random??)

It’s not just the broken foot thing. . . I feel like once again I have found myself in a position where the people I was most close to, and leaned on for support, are breaking away.  I understand that is life.  People come and go, and I know it’s nothing personal. . . But I felt like I was just coming into my own, really discovering myself and so grateful that I had a group of like minded individuals there to help inspire me. Who were on the same “wave” length so to speak.  I finally had a good core group who “got it” and that I could relate to.  It was authentic.  It was real.

I guess I am just not ready for those good times to go away.

It sort of feels like the time right when I met my ex husband.  I had just lost a core group of friends due to a break up with a previous relationship, and clung to him desperately becoming very emotionally dependant.  Not good.   Considering the outcome of the marriage.

*sigh*

I just feel so distant from everything that I held so dear to  my heart and love so deeply.  I just want to get it all back.

I just don’t know how.

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