House Core.

Hoop Path is coming to my area end of march.

Boo for me that I can only attend one day of it, seeing as my play opens that weekend.

But one day is better than none.

Really looking forward to “Open Air”

That’s all I really got for now.

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Aside

Reach.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since the death of my ex husband.  I am doing somewhat ok.  As can be expected . . . but at the same time . . .I am so not ok.

 

I have been going about my life, trying to do things that I normally would do.  I am in another show.  I went to jam last week and worked on hoop drills that I learned at Snow Flow.  I am hanging out with people. . . trying to make sure I still eat and not act out in destructive ways. . . yet, even though I continue on, there is still a level of fucked up-ness that I am carrying.  That I think I will always carry.

 

One of the reasons I got heavily into hooping was because of Depression.  I have pretty much been clinical depressed most my life.  I will also note here, that I am a self mutilator (which I have mentioned over on my other blog) I’ve been pretty good about it these days, though over the course of the past few  months, I have had relapses here and there. 

 

Hooping was also one of the ways that helped me get through my divorce.  I carried a lot of guilt about leaving my ex.  He was heading towards a downward spiral, and despite my efforts (though now I feel they really weren’t much of an effort) I could not get him to help himself. 

 

That’s the thing when it comes to any kind of depression or addiction . . . you have to want it yourself.  You can’t have other people do it for you.  And while I have been at the bottom of a despair pit (as I like to call them) many a times, just wanting a hand to reach in and pull me out, I also realized that when the hand is reaching down, you gotta reach up as well.

 

I think he was just too proud to ask for me to reach down.  And sometimes I felt like I myself was going to fall in from reaching down so much.

 

I wish he wasn’t gone.  Even though we didn’t work out as being a married couple, I still was glad to just know him.  To still be able to talk to him and see each other when we did.  I wish he could have seen the brightness he was.  The way he shone if he just let himself.  I wish he didn’t just see himself as the sum of all the fuck ups and mistakes that humans inevitably make.  That he meant so much to so many.  That he was loved. 

 

I loved him. 

 

And yet, I also blame myself.  Because that is what I do.  I didn’t try hard enough.  I didn’t love him enough.  I  should have done this.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I wish I just would have been better to him.  That maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish. . .

 

I carry these thoughts with me.  No matter what I do.  While I am at rehearsal or trying to learn lines. . . they are there.  While I am talking with friends. . . they are there.  While I am trying to force food down into me. . . they are there.  While I pick up my hoop and try to find my space. . . they are there. 

 

They will always be there.  Because he will be forever gone. 

There are just no words.

I lost my ex husband last Thursday.

He took his own life and I just have no words for this at the moment.

We were married for about 8 yrs and together for another 6 before that.

We remained on good terms after our divorce and would talk about once every other week or so, if not more.

I feel as though a huge chunk of my life has just been erased.  Even though I still have the memories, his actual being around and me being able to talk and see him every once in awhile, was an actual “living” reminder of what it was that we had.  Like him being around physically and tangible made those times we shared together more valid.

I don’t know if that makes any sense.

He was a good man.

I am completely heartbroken.   He is gone.  And those words keep echoing in my head, heart and soul.  He is gone.  He is gone.

Things we Learned During Snow Flow 2012

Because I love to make lists, and i wanted to include this in the last blog, I felt I would just give this it’s own.

 

– We apparently look like the type of girls who like to drink Bud Light that tastes like Zima.

– If you’re friend starts convulsing and foaming at the mouth. . .check her tampon.

– To help ease the anxiety of driving over the bridge that leads from Cincinnati to Kentucky, It is best to sing Hello Dolly.  (with harmony)

– You don’t have to change your clothes to go to the BP in Kentucky.

– Keeping it Rigid, is a man’s job.

– Circus Hurts.

– It is never too early in the A.M. to Boom Shock-a-locka.

– Ahhhh Do the shuffle!, will bring up many search results, but not the one you are looking for.

*should note here that we figured out that I was talking about the Cleveland Shuffle.*

– We now know what to do with the Little Piggy who ate roast beef.

– Fire in your face, is still scary.

– When they tell you they are closing down the buffet, you grab 3 plates and eat with much vigor.

– People are very particular about their cola’s.

– If you poop twice in 1 weekend while away from home, you are a show off.

– Sometimes, Dorito burps smell like farts.

– Give us a Serger and we can make anything!  (or we think we can!)

 

Snow Flow Re-cap

This year’s Snow Flow was fucking awesome.  Let me just start off with saying that.  They really brought it this year.  I mean, I can only complain about 2 things, and I will get to that later.

1st off, I just want to send out a big heap of gratitude to the organizers and supporters of Snow Flow 2012.  With out all their hard work and dedication, there would have been no way this would have gotten off the ground.  And they really stepped it up this year.

If you are reading this and wondering what the heck I am talking about, you can go to the website and check it out.

http://www.snowflowfest.com/

As I said on a previous blog somewhere, I really had a hard time narrowing down my choices of which classes I wanted to take.  I decided on Fire Eating, Wall Planes and Contact and Rolls.

Fire eating.

Let me just say that I love Jordan.  I have known her for the past few years, as we have done Hoop Path Louisville together in the past, and she was gracious enough the one year to open her home to some of us out of towners.  (And make us breakfast!) She is super Rad.  She was also the instructor for this class.

The reason I took this class is because I really wanted to get a handle on my fear of fire, especially when you are whizzing it around your face and head.  And what better way to do so then to stick it in your mouth right?

She started us off with some simple fire tricks such as Skin Burning.  This is where you drag the wick down your arm, so your arm is “on fire” for a few seconds, and then you use a downward motion to “wipe it out.”  As she explained it, it’s not your skin that is burning, it’s the fuel.  (Well, at 1st, I mean yeah, once the fuel burns off, then your skin could catch, that is if you haven’t already doused it out due to the heat of the fuel burning.) It took me maybe a few minutes to even think about dragging a lit stick of Kevlar soaked with camping fuel down my arm, but once I did . . . It was pretty cool.

She then moved on to quickly pinching the tip of a burning Kevlar wick and then pinching the tip of unlit Kevlar wick which would cause it to light up.  (Obviously that wick would need to have fuel on it 1st.)

We would also do this using our tongues.  A quick tap of a lit torch to our tongue and then an even quicker tap of an unlit wick which would then be ignited by the transfer of heat . . . all made possible by the tongue!

And of course, after all was said and done, she explained how to “eat” fire.  It’s simply keeping your head tilt back as far as possible, and to blow out as if you are sighing.  Once it’s in your mouth, you close your mouth around the wick to extinguish it.  Sounds pretty easy, till you realize you are sticking a fire stick in YOUR FACE!  But I did it.  And it was awesome!  Will I do it again?  Sure.  But not often, and not anytime soon.  🙂

Wall Planes.

No pun intended, this is where I hit a wall.  Oh boy.  A serious wall of frustration.  I mean, I tried to push through, but I don’t think I masked it very well.  It was me and a bunch of dudes (I won’t count the 12 yr old girl who never poi’d before, because I am sure she felt even more stupid than I did.) I personally felt like a dick.  I had thought this class would have been just basics of wall plane moves (butterflies and shit like that), that even a beginner like me could wrap my head around it.   It was a little more advanced than I had anticipated.  I mean, everyone was doing anti-spins and flowers for christ’s sake.  Even the youngest member of the class, some 8 yr old kid who was spinning all bad ass like.  The instructors, while very knowledgeable of what they were doing, kinda would pass me over when going over specific moves.  I am not sure if it was because I did not have the skill level and they were like fuck her?  Or if it was because I looked like I wanted to blow up my poi and run out of the room crying (and they were like Fuck her.)

Either way, I felt like I had just graduated from basic algebra and went straight into Trig.

It went over my head.  But I am glad I did it.  Because now it just makes me want to bug the poi dudes I am friends with even more. . . and I know they have more time to kill (and patience.) to show me what’s what. . .even when I want to murder my poi.

my attempt at "flowers"

How Flowers should look like- My friend Christian's "flower/Anti spin."

Contact Rolls and Tosses.

This class was so amazing.  It was taught by Caroleeena Mabry, and if you know who she is, then you know how totally kick ass she is.  She broke down a lot of the tosses and rolls you see.  The tosses I got. . .some of the rolls, I got.  However, chest and back rolls are still a mystery to me.

I can now roll the hoop on the back of my hand (which is fun) and I can also switch my hand out of the hoop and grab onto the outside of it to go into isolations.  (if that makes any sense) But this was such a fun class, because hoops were flying and Caroleeena has a rule that if your hoop goes flying off into someone else, you don’t say sorry.  Instead you make an animal sound.  So people were running all over making all kinds of noises and you couldn’t just help but love every minute of it.  I learned so much in this class.  We also worked on pizza tosses, which will be my new thing to work on and crack myself in the face with.

I hope she comes back to snow flow next year because I definitely want to take more from her.

I should also mention that she did this beautiful fire performance the 1st night we were there with a hoop that had a single fire wick on the inside of hoop.

(was something like this.)

The instructors also put on a little showcase for us Saturday evening, so you could see all the bad ass-ness that was there.  Such unbelievable talent.

The formal was a bit disappointing.  Gosh, I hate to say it, but it was.  I mean, for me, as much as I love the classes, I also love to get all dressed up and hoop. The highlight is the formal.

However, not this year.

2 things:

My hair was total shit. I knew I should have gone with the wig.  But I went ahead and let someone else wear it and they were all excited about how kick ass they looked in it.  (and they did. . .so good about that.) Try as I might to curl my own, the curls went limp in a matter of minutes.  And on top of all that I felt really fat and schlubby. I had been having some rough days before hand too with depression (something I have dealt with my whole life. . .that’s another blog) so while I was there, and enjoying each moment as best I could. . .there was a part of me that still felt listless and, well, sad.  Add on top the disappointment of stupid hair and feeling fat and schlubby, and it sort of intensified those depressive feelings.  I wanted to go to the formal and take pretty pretty pictures all dressed up with my hoop. . . but I didn’t want a camera anywhere near me. I know I went “dark” for a bit (meaning very introverted, quiet. . not saying much) but once we got to the formal and I did a shot, I was ok.  (though I did not want pictures taken of me.)

blech. stupid.

The second thing that was disappointing about the formal was the music.  It was depressing.  (which really, didn’t help my already somewhat depressing mood?) It was whiney girl music.  And while don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with whiney girl music. . . I just felt for a formal, there should have been more nnnnn-ttt-nnnnn-ttttt-nnnn-tttt- and booties shaking and people getting their grooves on!  Not people hooping to the tears of the wind or broken glass of love unrequited or whatever shit those broads were singing about.  I mean, come on!

We only stuck around for about an hour to take pictures in the strobe lights and then went back to the hotel to eat pizza, drink 40’s (cause we’re from Ohio and classy like that.) and yip yap till the wee hours of the morning.

And right there. . .that is another part of Snow Flow that I love so much.  Just being with my flow loves and just being able to hang out, connect and share beautiful moments together.  So much love and laughter that weekend.

I could go on and on about this weekend.

Gratitude Gratitude Gratitude.

Phoenix

This might have just pushed the Atomic out of the running as the hoop I must have.

The Phoenix from Hoop Daddy

http://www.hoop-daddy.net/Phoenix.aspx is a programmable LED hoop.

WHAAAAA???  Did you say Programmable?

Yes I did.  So that means not only can you program which patterns you want to flash, you can also CREATE and download them into your hoop.  How friggin’ sweet is that?

 

(uuuh Hello!!!! )

It has a USB interface so you can add your own pattern configurations.

On top of that it comes with a remote control which you can either hold onto while you core hoop or have someone else play around with.

Depending on the size of the hoop you get about 100 LEDS which makes for super brightness and it has about 200 jazzy patterns.  This far passes the 90 modes on the atomic.

What is not to love?

I would so love to get my hands on one of these and give it a whirl.  Literally.

 

In other news, My Funbags are now up for sale.  I sold 3 with in the 1st 15 mins of putting them up on the wall for display.  (one didn’t even make it up on the wall, the girl loved it so much!)

So that was pretty cool.  I hope they do well this month.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kaycees-Fun-Bags/95968019872