Ecstasy

I am not sure of how to even begin this.  It’s not that I sit in judgment when it comes to what I am feeling, yet at the same time, because of my utter disappointment towards what I have learned about someone. . I don’t know how to feel exactly.

 

So the friend who went to Burning Man. Let me just start off by saying, that this person and I have known each other for almost a decade.  He has been one of my go to people over this time, and we have a strong bond between us.  He is someone that has helped me a lot over the years.  I am very grateful. 

 

We sort of share the same views on life.  We bring out a goofy side of each other, and encourage and push each other to be the best people we can be.  However, with this particular friend, there is also a lot of frustration that comes along with him.  He has a hard time being expressive with his emotions and is often times very closed about his personal life.  It’s easy to shoot the shit about the everyday hustle and bustle, but when it comes down to really what’s going on in his life, I am at times ever hardly privy to this information.

 

Sure we have conversations.   Sure we delve somewhat into the personal.  However, when it comes to issues or problems he is facing, or things he is not comfortable talking about, there is a lot of responses of “I don’t know”, and ‘Stuff.

 

Over the years though, I have tried to come to a place of acceptance.  That is just how it is.  More times than naught, I take it personal, but try not too.  In my head it’s the fact that if we are so tight as buds, then why should I be shunned from knowing bits and pieces of his life?  Why is it that he can’t come to me openly?  I am a very open person.  At least I think I am.  I try my very hardest to not be judgmental, and I would NEVER hold anything against anyone I love unconditionally.  If it’s something that makes me uncomfortable, or something I disagree with, I try not to be an ass about it.  I still listen and try to look at all angles.  I may state my opinion, but I will also be the 1st to tell you that it doesn’t mean that it’s the right opinion.

 

With him, even the mundane is a big deal to talk about.  Sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to get him to even say what it was he did in a day, even if it was just going to the store or him working on one of his various projects.  Even who he was hanging out with sometimes is a big fucking mystery.

All of this makes me feel that I am unworthy to know such information about him. (That is my insecurity, and I own that.)

 

I guess with all this background, and what I learned, just fuels my insecurities even further.

 

Which brings me to the point of all this.  My friend, Mr. Staunch and Closed, decided to do ecstasy while at Burning Man.  This is a man, who takes vitamins on a daily basis, who tries to take a more holistic approach to ailments and so on.  A man, whom never touched a single drug in his whole 35 years of life.  A man who frowns upon my breakfast of Amp energy drinks and candy bars, and lack of healthy eating.  A man who pushes me to drink the recommended amount of water everyday.  (and then some)

 

It’s just sooo cliché.  I mean, It just perpetrates the notion that, THAT is what Burning Man is truly all about.  Getting fucked up in the middle of the desert.

 

His reasoning was that he always has to be in control, and that is why he did it.  I can get that, but ecstasy?  At fucking Burning Man? 

Ok Ok ok, so it’s a more “open” environment.  Anything goes.  I get it. 

However, for some reason I now feel like I totally don’t know him at all. 

 

The fact that I learned about this from an outside source, again, hurts because he obviously didn’t feel like he could tell me.  Me.  The one person he should be able to tell anything too.  The one person who is supposedly the closest to him.

Again it just feeds into that whole unworthy bullshit mentality I have going on in my head.  (again, it’s me. . .I own it.)

 

Like I said, I am just so disappointed.  And hurt.  Which is stupid.  I dunno why I feel hurt, I just do. 

 

Baaawww.  Blllahhh.  Whatever.

 

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