Breaking Free. . . of 2012

Every year I take a look back at my “Power” theme and see if I had held true to it.

 

It’s sort of like a resolution, but then again, it’s more of an affirmation or thought/behavior that I like to expand upon and really work at mastering, or implementing more into my life.

 

Some years, I do ok.  Some I don’t.

 

2010 was the year of “Moving forward with intent” . . . which I did quite successfully.

I gained independence, learned my true nature, kept my head up and worked towards specific goals.  It wasn’t easy, but in the end, I gained a lot more than what I had lost.

 

The year of 2011 was to be the year of “Living Authentically” which, well, proved to be more difficult in action.  I’m not sure I really stood up for myself and my beliefs when challenged by those who were threatened or tried to place their insecurities on me.  I had to do a lot of fighting that year.   Internally and Externally.  But you know, what can you do?

 

In retrospect, as shitty as 2011 was for me . . . I gotta say 2012 was the absolute worst in the history of my life.

 

Which brings us to 2012 which was to be the year of “Letting Go.”

 

I have to say that I don’t think I passed this one with flying colors, if at all.  However, to a large degree, I also feel I did not chomp at the bit on this one either.

 

(Hindsight is telling me that maybe 2011 was prepping me for what a shit storm 2012 was going to be.)

 

In all Seriousness though, and in my defense . . . Heavy heavy shit went down in 2012.

 

From suicide and the loss of someone whom I shared a great deal of my life with, to possible cancer scare  all the side effects that went along with my whole kidney bullshit, and losing my job.  Throw on top of all that fuckery from a certain someone.

 

I gotta say that all of the above was pretty hard to just “let go”

 

Then again, it was probably 2012’s way of really shoving shit in my face to teach me to truly “Let Go.”

 

Maybe by going through all this heavy stuffs, when it comes to the smaller stuffs, I won’t even have to think twice about wasting the energy.

 

So I guess I can’t say that 2012 was a total fist (though I do truly feel it was . . . right up the pooper with out any lube) I do walk away a stronger person, and I do feel a bit more laid back than usual.  (Except when it comes to dealing with those damn interior decorators . . . goddamn do they get my blood boiling.)  I did gain certain parts of myself back that I should have been living authentically back in 2011.  (Better late than never right?) And I have been trying my hardest to live each day as graciously as I can.  (Hence why I started Gratitude Tuesdays on my Facebook.. . .mostly because I have found Tuesdays to be the roughest days of the week for me.) 

Let me not forget too, the bonds that have been strengthened this past year.  I feel I am more close with certain individuals, individuals who helped me through all the bullshit and fuckery.  That right there, I am so so so so incredibly grateful for.  Man.  So blessed to be surrounded by such incredible souls.  So so so so blessed.

I guess in a way I have began my journey back to nourishing the true essence that is me. 

 

So ok ok ok.  There were some “positives” to 2012.

I am still maintaining though, that these “positives” came (and are incredibly hard to overlook) at the cost of some major, major losses.

 

 

I’m not sure what I really expect out of 2013, or what I would like my year long affirmation to be. 

 

While asking the Faeries what they would like me to know about 2013, these 3 cards jumped out at me:

            Financial Flow (Finally)

            Parenting & Children (uhhh. . . I just hope that means a stronger bond with my parents and not becoming one myself)

            Self Reliance. (I totally dig)

 

When asking them what the “Theme” should be for 2013, they came back with “Breaking Free”

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And that sounds nice.  Breaking free of all the shit 2012 dumped on my chest.

 

So adios 2012, with your hard knocks (or not) and lessons (or karma).….Seriously. . . get the fuck on with yourself and eat a bag of dicks up.   Cause personally, I am done with you.

 

I got better things waiting.

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Luna

Introducing the newest addition to my hoop Family. . . .

Luna

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She was a “Christmas” gift and Is my very 1st fancy schmancy hoop.

She is a Mood Hoop that consists of Purple strobe lights, and UV green & whites.  She is very very purdy.

I believe she is about 38″ in diam, with 7/8″ diam tubing.  Since I forgot to specify the size I wanted when I asked for her. . . This is what I got.  But I am not complaining.

I mean, just look. . . how could you complain?

And she is purple.  If you don’t know. . .Purple is my favorite color.  And a fruit.

Anyways, she handles very nicely and I can’t wait to really delve in and play.  She will be an excellent motivator for me getting back into hoop shape and performing again.

I have to say that whilst I was not in the “Christmas” spirit this year (and hardly am I ever these days, as the whole concept of “Christmas, just insults my inner pagan) It was a pretty good holiday.

Moving Right Along. . . with the Faeries.

Since the whole moving thing has been kind of weighing on me, due to monetary reasons (and the fact that who wants to lug all my shit in and out of windows and up and down stairs in the middle of winter)  I decided to call upon the faeries for their sage advice.

I used to consult the faeries quite a bit back when I was feeling oh so plucky about the ethereal world.  I still do feel a sense of the whimsy and believe in other worldy beings who might have more insight into the muck that we make of our lives.  After all, it’s easy to see what going on in the shit. . When you’re not surrounded by the shit.

Seeing how I should be trying to make more of an effort to tap into the more spiritual side of things, I dusted off my cards and decided to ask them their thoughts on the impending move.

Since I hadn’t used them in awhile, I felt it only best to give them a good cleaning, or smudging with some sage.

You would have thought I was burning catnip, for my cat, was going crazy.  Rubbing his face all over the cloth, swatting at the cards, rolling over on his back and stretching out his little legs. (I swear I could mash that cat up into a thousand pieces because of how cute he is.)

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I sat with intention in my heart and threw the question out to the universe and to the Faeries.

Should I be moving??

What else should I be knowing??

Here is what they told me.

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(I’ve broken it down by the significance of placement for each card)

1.)Present Influences– (The heart of the matter)

   Higher Consciousness (Inverted) (Any card that is inverted just means that the area is blocked.)

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2.) Present Environment or Opposing Factor/Factor for Change

Honoring your True Feelings.

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Obviously, we all know this.  I’ve jib jabbed about it quite a bit lately.  My spiritual flow is stifled.  I am not connected with the powers that be. . . or I should say, I am not picking up the phone as much as I used to.  I’m working on it though.  Trying to pause for reflection through out the day.  Trying to be as gracious as I can.  Meditating on my root.  I was starting to feel like my root was good. . .maybe no?  Or possibly, I just need to trust the universe and my path more.

Deep down inside I know what it is I need to do, so I just need to do it.

3.) Past Events/Root Cause (the reason why things are the way they are)

Make Music

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4.) Past Influences

Awakening Your True Self

past influe

I have no fucking clue what is trying to be said here.  Unless it’s referring to my sudden interest in Death/Black Metal. . . .I mean, shit, that shit will wake you right up.  Is my true self really a Norse demon god?  Is this what I am suppose to be awakening?  *sigh* I guess I’ll go find some Lake to live in. . . like I don’t already have enough self image issues.  Thanks a fucking lot Faeries.

finnishlaketroll

5.) Future Events/Attitudes & Beliefs/Goals/Potentials

Romantic Partner

Future events

6.)Future Influences

Body Movement

Future influences

 

I totally get this.  While this move has been on my mind, the fact that I am ready to settle down and be in a HEALTHY relationship has been with me far longer.  I really am wanting that whole aspect of being with someone who encourages you to grow and vice versa.  The whole just, I dunno, being in love with someone.  And them loving me back.  Accepting each other and just being wholly and completely open with each other.  *SIGH* Corny as it sounds, but I want to be someone’s “girl” again.

There has been so much strife in this area of my life over the past year and some change, that I would like to see a significant change happen.  I would like there to be a place of calm.  Trust.  I don’t like going into details so much so about this area of my life. . . but I see potential.  At least I hope there is the potential there.

Now while I am sure the body movement card signifies much more than just getting down and dirty with my partner. . . I have come to a major realization that I am a pretty sexual being.  It’s part of who I am, and I shouldn’t feel bad about it in the least bit.  I’m not saying I’m gonna go out and slut it up, however when I am with someone. . . I like to get it on with that someone.  Frequently.

I think too that I really need to get myself back in shape.  Not that I am so out of shape, but I just feel sluggish.  Again, hooping more, starting up Yoga. . staying active.  Got it.

7.) Environment

Peace Of Mind

environment

 

Other than this move and monies, I gotta say I feel like I am in a good place.  I feel good about life and shit. . . That feeling of “All is and will be ok” seems to be prevailing.  Even when I forget after a day of fuckery at work.

8.) Strengths

Inner Power

strengths

 

Yeah.  I’m a Fighter.  Even though at times it feels exhausting.   But who has come into this world that is not a fighter?  If you’re still here of your own cognition , and you push through to face another day (even when it takes every ounce of your being) you’re a fighter.  Embrace it.

I think that this is also telling me that if I stick with my desire to move, and if the road to do so seems rough or indurated, I, like He-Man, have the power to get through it.  I’ve been through worse.

9.) Hopes and Fears (inverted)

 Happily Ever After

hopes and fears

Yes, my view of my future can be a bit bleak or pessimistic. . . or not there at all.  I mean, I can’t say what I’ll be doing tomorrow yet alone 5 years from now.  Can’t even say where I will be.  So I don’t really make long term life goals.  I know I hope that life will go on as smoothly as possible. . .but this is life, and well, that shit ain’t gonna happen.  I mean, what do you want me to tell you faeries?  I’m a realist.

Ok, so maybe as far as this move in concerned I need to not be so pessimistic about what COULD happen, and what COULD be a pain in the ass.

10.) Final Outcome

Miracle Healing

Final OUtcome

I’m thinking that by staying on a path of acceptance, openness, listening to my gut more and rolling with the punches I’ll end up in a much better place than where I started.  I know the Universe is not “out to get me” and if there is anyone I want to be mad at and point fingers at, It should be me.

Now how all this verifies if I should move or not??  I have no fucking clue.  Well, let me change that.  I have more of a push in a direction.  I feel like I should.  I feel like it will be good.  I feel like I can trust this feeling. . . (as fleeting as feelings are)  Then again, I don’t think it really matters WHERE I am residing.  As long as a I take care of me. . .I’ll be good where ever I end up.

Now to find some boxes.

Aside

Moving Right Along?

I’ve been sitting on a matter now for about the past 2 months.  The time has come to either push full steam ahead, or back off.  Yet I am not so sure where I should place my intentions.

 

I have been so wary of truly putting the majority of my eggs in one basket so to speak, due to past “wants” and “intentions” not going the way I had wanted.  Hence, my whole jaded perspective of just how foolish the belief in the power of attraction is. 

 

(Which then brings me to these forks of reasoning . . . if you don’t focus fully with full intent, then will it not come true?  Does that not throw out any sensibility to that statement of NOT placing all your eggs in one basket then??  If the sky is the limit, then how is it suffice to say what is reasonable and what is not? Which of course leads down the path of any hint of doubt becomes an immediate hindrance towards obtaining said intention.)

 

But let us stay focused.

 

My sister had just moved into an apartment (right around the corner from me) and it’s a pretty sweet pad.  It’s spacious, 2 bedrooms, front and back balcony . . . and all for what I am paying now for my hobbit hole, 1 bedroom attic apartment.

 

Don’t get me wrong.  I like my little cozy Hobbit hole, er, attic place.  It’s just enough room for me and the cat, there’s good storage. . .and um, that’s about all I can say about it.  I mean, other than me having made it a declaration of  my personality, decorating wise (aka clutter) It’s an ok place.

 

So where am I going with this?  Well the apartment next to hers has opened up, and it’s pretty much a spitting image of her place.  With the exception that the bathroom is way smaller than hers . . . however after living in my midget bathroom for over and year and some change I can deal.

 

So we got it in our heads that I should take over the space next door to her.  And be neighbors. 

 

There are a lot of pros and cons to this arrangement. 

 

The pros being:

  1. Obviously there would be more space.  And when I think of my cat gallumping up and down the long hallway, it instantly makes me smile.  Not only that, but all the windows he can look out of.  I think he would be so happy there.Image
  2. I would have a normal sized tub.  The bathtub in my place now is a midget bath tub.  Seriously.  It’s like a half tub, and I have to either scrunch all up or throw my legs over the side if I want to “take a bath”

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(He’s still fixing up the place. . but look at that tub.  I could fit all of me in it!)  

 

4.Front and back balconies.  Nuff’ said.

5. Parking lot behind the building

6. No Creepy weirdo neighbors around.  (unless you count the guys my sister brings home.  Ha!  I kid.)

7. No more janky ass fixes for stuff that breaks down in my place.  Meaning, just because the stove you bought off of Craig’s list is new to you . . . it is not new “new”.  Maybe back in 1980 whatever when it was 1st manufactured. 

 

The cons at the moment are having to move big shit out of my tiny Hobbit cove (like literally taking the kitchen window out and lowering shit down off the roof . . . in the middle of winter.) and the fact that my lease is not up until April.  I sort of told my landlord I had to move due to medical expenses, and he was willing to let me out of my lease a month early as long as I would pay half the rent for the next two months.   He also requested a note from dr’s, which no big deal.  I can get that. 

 

My landlord now is an ok guy, though we did come to blows here and there.  He’s an old timer pot head, who seems to have a problem remembering what was agreed upon in my lease.  One minute it was ok I had the cat.  Next thing it wasn’t.  (He tried telling me my cat was in heat and too loud.  Which is funny, since my cat is fixed . . . and a MALE) Then he threw a fit because the water bill was what he considered too high.  (he takes care of the water and sewer)  We had agreed when I last renewed the lease to lower my rent $50, but since he was making a big stink about the water bill (all of which I should point out that he has the washing machine and I am maybe home a good 3-4 days out of the week. Plus I have the midget tub compared to his normal size tub . . . so; I truly feel it wasn’t because of me.  I mean EVEYONE’S water bill went up that summer)   I told him that I would just go back to paying the $50 and for him to shut up about it.

 

I will say that the one truly nice thing about the guy is that he is very patient as to when I pay him my rent.  He will even accept half payments one week and the remainder the following week. 

 

 

 

Truth be told, I already put the security deposit down on the other place, like, 2 months ago.  And new landlord said I could move in the 1st of next year.  Yet with the new pay schedule they have me on with this semi new/old gig, money is tight.

 

Extremely tight.

 

I can’t do Christmas this year because of how tightly I am on a budget.  Everything has to go to two rents.  It’s stressing me out and making me feel like perhaps moving somewhere I can stretch my legs out in a tub, and watch my cat go crazy in windows, is not worth it.

 

I hate worrying about monies.

 

So I have been sending it out to the universe.  I have been visualizing.  I have been seeking the advice of others.  (All of which say that the new place is sweet and I need to get away from old landlord)

 

I have even consulted the faeries.  Which I don’t do that often anymore, 

And I am not so sure entirely what the faeries are trying to tell me exactly. . . .

 

 

 

 

Elucidation

For whatever reason, I feel like I need to clarify my last post. 

When I think back on how I try to express myself and talk about issues/feelings/shitty movies/whatever, I feel i don’t get to the point quite well.  There are so many jumbling thoughts about my head, that any time I try to form coherent thoughts, it’s like they all come rushing to the front to be heard.  Or expressed.  Sort of like shoppers waiting to be the 1st one’s through the doors of Wal-Mart on black Friday, running over and trampling each other to be the ones to get to the good deals 1st.

Truth be told, I feel guilty and responsible for my ex-husband’s death.  Still.

I know that the palpability of all this,  is NOT my fault, yet there is still that part of me that still does in fact, feel responsible to some degree.  Or at least part of the reason as to why he did what he did.

It doesn’t matter that it was HIS choice to take his own life. I FEEL that the failures of our relationship factored in there somewhere.  And since I WAS a part of that relationship, that is why I hold  guilt.

It’s thoughts like these that then lead me down the avenue of how narcissist this paints me.  That I could take a situation that is not about me, and somehow make it about me.  Whatever the capacity of involvement.

Which then leads to feeling even more like a shitty person, when all in all I just want to be. . .a good person.

Yesterday’s trigger was an avenue of thoughts that made me think of the times when my ex and I WERE happy.  How he was one to take care of me in stressful situations, and how far away we had drifted from that.

I know it wasn’t JUST our marriage that was the reason for his choice.  Yet, I also don’t “know” that. 

Is there a difference between knowing and feeling? 

I have a friend who will argue that yes, there is.  I’m not so sure, because I would think you KNOW what you are feeling.  Except if you’re a dude.  Cause they never know what they are feeling/thinking.  It’s always. . .” I don’t know.” ( Ha!  I kid, I kid.  sort of. where was I?)  Oh, but can you Feel what you know? hmmmm.

Anyways, that is how I ended up where I was yesterday evening.  It all makes sense in my head.  Maybe not so much when I bring it into focus, or to outside parties. 

But there it is nonetheless.

The Uncertain Emotional Path to Grilled Cheese

It was an incredibly stressful day at work.

The new company that took my old one over, finally started the ball rolling into integrating our office into their data entry/phone system.

In theory, it should have not been that big of a deal.  I mean, it’s just a new way of learning how to do things.  New software is normally not that daunting for me, as I feel I am pretty computer savvy.  I can normally figure shit out.

Yet their operating system, seems to me, to be quite outdated, and well, half back ass wards.

What once took us maybe 3 steps to look up specific information (if that at times) now takes at least 6 steps.  It just seems a lot of rigamoroo in order to look up stock, look up orders, to place orders, etc etc yadda yadda.

It was very frustrating.

I didn’t feel like the woman they sent to train us, was really listening to me, or helping me much.  Not only that, but I don’t feel that this new company has any idea on how to handle our aspect of business.  What we do is kind of new for them, and instead of seeing how we did it, and how they could incorporate it into how they do it,  they are just trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. So to speak.

Anyways, it lead to much frustration and a couple of break downs, where I had to go and cry somewhere to get it all out.

It was a most shitty day.

Which started me thinking on how this will be the rest of the week as well.  That it doesn’t end with today.  (Though it will get easier.  Right?  Right.  The worse is over.)

Which then made me start thinking,  how nice it would have been, on such a shitty day,the rare few that I carry with me,  (I try to leave work at work.  So once it’s 5 o’clock, I try to take on the attitude of I’m done with this day!  till tomorrow.) to have had someone there to sort of “take care of me”

You know that person, who tells you it’s ok, and kisses your head. . . Reminds you that you are home now and that you needn’t worry about your shit work day any longer.  Maybe have a grilled cheese waiting, or in the works. . . a promise of a back rub after I get out of soaking in the tub.

I’m going to be very careful in how I word this next part, while I know that there is a someone who may or may not read my blogs, I don’t want them to get the wrong idea or think I am referring to them in any way.

Today was just a day I needed that “lift”  Which in turn brought out all kinds of feels about what was once had, and well, It really made me feel even more sad.

The chain of thoughts in my head just lead me to remembrances of older times.

I just feel like a shithead because I didn’t realize it.  Or maybe I did, and I can justify that situations changed.  People changed.  Or didn’t.  That the events of the path were played out as they were to be, however, someone else decided to duck out early.

And I am left here to constantly question my intentions.  Was I a good person?  Am I still a good person?

This is what happens.  This is what happens every time I am emotionally stressed out so much so.  One incoherent thought linking to another from within my past.   This is where I go.  It all goes back to a point, whether the trigger is related to it or not.

Of course, in my enigmatic way, I am sure no one really knows what the fuck I am talking about.  And that’s ok.  I do.

But to make it somewhat clear:

Shitty days make me wish someone would make me a grilled cheese sandwich, kiss me on the head, and tell me that “everything will be ok.”

Because now that I am aware of this simple act, I am incredibly gracious of it.  And from now on, I will not take it for granted.

Ever.