Elucidation

For whatever reason, I feel like I need to clarify my last post. 

When I think back on how I try to express myself and talk about issues/feelings/shitty movies/whatever, I feel i don’t get to the point quite well.  There are so many jumbling thoughts about my head, that any time I try to form coherent thoughts, it’s like they all come rushing to the front to be heard.  Or expressed.  Sort of like shoppers waiting to be the 1st one’s through the doors of Wal-Mart on black Friday, running over and trampling each other to be the ones to get to the good deals 1st.

Truth be told, I feel guilty and responsible for my ex-husband’s death.  Still.

I know that the palpability of all this,  is NOT my fault, yet there is still that part of me that still does in fact, feel responsible to some degree.  Or at least part of the reason as to why he did what he did.

It doesn’t matter that it was HIS choice to take his own life. I FEEL that the failures of our relationship factored in there somewhere.  And since I WAS a part of that relationship, that is why I hold  guilt.

It’s thoughts like these that then lead me down the avenue of how narcissist this paints me.  That I could take a situation that is not about me, and somehow make it about me.  Whatever the capacity of involvement.

Which then leads to feeling even more like a shitty person, when all in all I just want to be. . .a good person.

Yesterday’s trigger was an avenue of thoughts that made me think of the times when my ex and I WERE happy.  How he was one to take care of me in stressful situations, and how far away we had drifted from that.

I know it wasn’t JUST our marriage that was the reason for his choice.  Yet, I also don’t “know” that. 

Is there a difference between knowing and feeling? 

I have a friend who will argue that yes, there is.  I’m not so sure, because I would think you KNOW what you are feeling.  Except if you’re a dude.  Cause they never know what they are feeling/thinking.  It’s always. . .” I don’t know.” ( Ha!  I kid, I kid.  sort of. where was I?)  Oh, but can you Feel what you know? hmmmm.

Anyways, that is how I ended up where I was yesterday evening.  It all makes sense in my head.  Maybe not so much when I bring it into focus, or to outside parties. 

But there it is nonetheless.

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