“The whole world is a dream, and death the interpreter”

Over the weekend I had quite the disturbing dream.  The mood of the dream actually stayed with me for a good portion of the day.  Which is something that very rarely, if ever happens.  When recanting the dream to another individual, I actually got shaky and started crying.  That’s how messed up it was for me.

Let me go back into my dream history if I may.

As a child I had a very, very, very over active imagination.  So it would make sense that my dreams were always vivid, and more than naught, nightmarish.

Sure, they may have been mostly involving Godzilla coming to destroy buildings I was in, ( like K-Mart)Image

or vampires hunting my family and I down, the point is, that at a very early age, I had to learn how to “wake” myself up voluntarily.  Or simply put, the art of Lucid dreaming.

Whenever I found myself in a dream that I didn’t like, or was scaring the crap out of me, I would in my dream, roll my eyes up into their sockets as hard as I could, and thus waking myself from the dream.

As I grew older, I learned that I needn’t  be afraid of my dreams, and that if they did start to go in a direction I did not like, I needed to simply remember, that I was dreaming, and make them go the way I wished.

However, something really weird started happening in my 20’s.  It could have been happening my whole life, but it wasn’t till then that I actually started to pay attention.

I would have “sleep paralysis.” Or, what I like to consider, OBE’s.  (Out of body experiences)

I would “be asleep” yet awake, but could not move.  There would be a sort of humming, high pitch buzzing noise and there was always a feeling of suffocation, and panic would set in. It was like I was in my body, but not.  Sometimes I can remember being sort of outside myself, looking about the room, yet not being able to move or breathe.  Or “wake up” fully.


I hate these experiences.  I have tried over the years to remind myself that when they do happen, that I just need to be calm, and try to breathe.  (I don’t know if I’m not breathing when this shit happens, soooo, I can’t say if I am or if I am not.) Trying to pull myself out of one of these OBE’s is a pain, because it’s as if the sleep is so deep, that as soon as I feel myself lifting out of it, it’s not uncommon for it to happen again a few seconds later.

I’m not sure what the deal is with this.  If there is a physical thing going on, like am I laying in a position that could obstruct my breathing?. . . a metaphysical thing, such as my soul leaving my body to go on fantastic adventures and I just so happen catch the entering or exiting part? . . . Or if Tall Greys are trying to abduct me.  (God I sooo hope it’s not the Greys.)


Which brings me to the dream I had Sat night.

I was with my on and off again boyfriend, and I had fallen from a height that was enough to kill me.  I was laying there dying.  Like actually dying, because I could feel myself “leaving” my body.  It was like every cell in my body recognized what was going on and was preparing to let me go and expire.  I was thinking to myself that I wasn’t ready, and how the reality of death was so final.  I don’t know how to articulate the feeling that was going on in me, but it was like I knew, there was nothing after this life.  That this was it.  The end.  No heaven or hell, no limbo. . Just, nothing.  That once I “let” go I would cease to exist.  It was this feeling that was scaring the crap out of me, so I was trying my hardest to not, well. Die.

My OAOABF (who for easier purposes will be referred to as P) was holding me and telling me that it was ok.  That it was ok for me to let go.  That it will be ok.

But every ounce of my being was freaking out over ceasing to exist.

I finally let myself go, and floated away into nothing.  Though I wasn’t happy about it, and I tried telling P to come and find me.

Now I have several theories as to the explanation of this dream.

  1. It could have been an OBE.  Because the feeling of “dying” felt somewhat similar to the “floating” and “heaviness” of those occurrences.
  2. Cell memory.  This could have been a remembrance of a past life that P and I had shared, and I just happened to remember dying in that life.  Which could be why it felt so incredibly real and couldn’t control it per se…(as in Lucidly)  If this is the case, then I have to say, that the fact that we are together again in this life, does not mean their actually is some sort of “finality” to life.  Maybe a finality to the individuals we once lived as.
  3. My subconscious trying to tell me something about that relationship.  I don’t like to get into specifics, but there was/is a lot of hurt there.  A lot of trust issues and lies. Perhaps it could be that the dream was telling me that I just need to let all that hurt go.  I don’t need to be so guarded.  A symbolic version of that “Kaycee” dying. Perhaps my true self urging me to let go of what is not serving me.
  4. My subconscious could also be telling me that I am in some sort of transitional phase of my life (pssh. . when ain’t I?) That I am becoming more enlightened or spiritual.  (which is the goal for this year, and truth be told, I have been feeling way more spiritually aligned than I have in years.)  In the dream dictionary it states: “Dreams of experiencing your own death mean big changes are ahead for you.  You are moving onto new beginnings and leaving the past behind you.  These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events.  Metaphorically, dying can be seen as a termination to your old ways and habits.”
  5. To tie in with possibility #3, the dream dictionary goes on to say: “On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy destructive behaviors”

I like to believe that it is a combination of all of the above to some degree.  More so the cell memory theory. Because I do believe that P and I shared a life together before as brother and sister.  (That was another dream) and perhaps there is some karmic ties to one another.  Lessons that need to be learned that we agreed upon before hand.

I mean, giving the circumstances of that relationship, it all would make perfect sense.

Even if there is no such thing as cell memory and reincarnation.  The symbolism of “letting go” of all the pain and mistrust from that part of the relationship. . . letting go of what does not serve me.  Staying on a path of spiritual enlightenment.

I think what was most frightening to me about this dream was that feeling of nothingness once we expire our last breaths.  It would seem all for naught in a way, I feel.  That our lives are a waste.

But that is for a whole other topic.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Flynt S.
    Jan 12, 2013 @ 12:08:39

    Hello, I don’t know you or how I really got here but possibly for a reason eh? I skimmed through randomly and this one caught my eye. I suffered from sleep paralysis for the duration of my twenties. I no longer have these issues because I managed to pin point the cause. There is a lot more to the mind than we know. Do you practice any forms of meditation? Anyways this is a private matter in my opinion so I will leave you my email and I can share with you my discoveries and how they can help you. You be the judge. 🙂


  2. pandaqueen1001
    Jan 16, 2013 @ 20:18:53

    I love hearing about others’ dreams… I have pretty vivid dreams myself, but often feel alone when I talk to other people about them in all their detail. Nice to hear about someone else who sleeps with the same intensity!


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