You’re Perfect Yes It’s True!

 

I think I am having a mid life crisis. 

I’m not even mid life yet, but the fact that I am looming near 40, for some reason does not sit well with me.

It’s not the number itself (because 40 is a good solid red red color, and I like red)

I think it’s the effects of just growing old.

I’m not going to lie.  A majority of my paranoia lies with the physical. 

Things are drooping, sagging, wrinkling so on and so forth.

I would like to say that I don’t mind these things, as long as they happen “gracefully”, but my warped perception of myself doesn’t seem to be seeing it this way.

I worry that I am no longer attractive to the opposite sex. . . seeing how my um, you know, sexy time life, is pretty much non existent.  I worry that maybe I’m just not as attractive as I think I am.  (and you know, I think I’m pretty cute and ok looking body wise.)

It’s silly.  I know.  And soooooo superficial.  I know I know  I know. 

But you know, they do say (and science has proved) that men ARE visceral creatures.

Again. . . stupid and silly.

I’ve been trying to be more physically active. . . I have even begun this 30 day ab endeavor. . .but I keep fucking it up, not adhering to it strictly.  So I think I may just start over again. . .and this time REALLY just, you know. . .Do it. 

I look at my hoop and KNOW I should just get in it. . . but I just don’t want to.  I just lose all motivation once I pick it up.  I just feel clumsy and so ungraceful.  This is something I have been struggling with for awhile now, and I am not sure how to change it.

Well, I do.  Different mind set, lose expectations

Not only is the physical freaking me out, but also my status in my “career” life.

6 Years ago I needed a change, something that was not in direct contact with the bullshit and politics with working in the Education field.

I took an office/customer service job thinking at the time, it was what I needed. 

At the time it was. . . however now, with my job being threatened. . .again. . . I hate it.  I can’t stand people.  Thinking about having to go to work and deal with the assholes I have to deal with, makes me physically ill.

(No joke.  Or it’s the 150 sit ups I just tried to cram into one session after skipping them for 2 days.)

I need another change.  The question now is, what kind of change???

I don’t feel I am qualified to do anything that would pay me enough to sustain a comfortable living.  I’m barely squeaking by as it is.

I mean, if I truly think about what it is I would really and truly love to do, it would be staring at trees all day or working at Henson studios, or sewing cat hats and selling them on Etsy.

But those dreams are so far fetched due to lack of income they would bring in, not to mention lack of experience or proper training.  Truth be told, I am not even sure I know how to thread a bobbin correctly . . . let alone work with latex to create fanstastical creatures.

I have had thoughts of going back to school . . . but to do what?  Get a degree in identifying trees?  How would that help me pay my rent?  And then thinking about throwing myself into further debt. . . well that makes me physically ill too.

Its just blech. Blah. Patoowie! 

So yeah.  That’s how I am feeling these days.

Relax.  It’s just a phase….I’ll grow out of it. . . .I hope.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. rgonaut
    Jun 18, 2013 @ 17:30:39

    40 isn’t old at all! Relax. But it does take effort to stay fit….don’t let yourself go. I think a woman who has the attitude to not let herself go, makes herself attractive because a man can admire her determination.

    Reply

    • pixiegirlkc52
      Jun 18, 2013 @ 19:07:50

      I know its not old. Yet you know, my body just feels old. Maybe it’s just my clock ticking. . . even though I have decided long ago that children were not an option.
      Plus its my own insecure baggage that I am carrying from previous relationships were my partners eyes wandered so on and so forth. I dunno. I don’t think I am making any sense at the moment. 😛 there is just no justification for my irrational silliness.

      Reply

      • rgonaut
        Jun 18, 2013 @ 19:37:40

        No I get it. 40 feels different from thirty for sure. I guess for me looking back at 40 or 45, I now feel more healthy and fit than I was then so I feel like that’s a good thing about where I am now even though it is really just saying how bad my forties and early 50s were.
        I actually wish I had more children.

      • pixiegirlkc52
        Jun 19, 2013 @ 12:44:30

        Do you have any now?

      • rgonaut
        Jun 19, 2013 @ 16:31:24

        Two, one anorexic 24 yr old girl and one 22 yr old normal boy. So I am depressed about my daughter

      • pixiegirlkc52
        Jun 20, 2013 @ 12:51:49

        My younger sister is anorexic. She has overcome the eating issues, to a large degree, yet I think she has just substituted one form of restriction for another. It’s hard watching someone you love harm themselves. And at the same time, it feels like that person is incredibly selfish. So many emotions. I hope she gets to a place where she can feel ok with herself. Lots of hugs to you my friend.

  2. rilschsea
    Jun 18, 2013 @ 22:44:27

    But without me you are only you…..

    Reply

  3. pandaqueen1001
    Jun 19, 2013 @ 18:59:03

    Crossfit helped me… not to be one of those uber-cultish crossfit fans or anything, but it was physical and there was a good community… and it definitely helped me feel more empowered and get my mind going on other things…

    Reply

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