Goodbye September…

*sigh* I love Mike Patton….and I love this song. It’s really speaking to me at the moment. I used to love autumn time….now I dont so much. Now it represents for me the last gasping breath before we are plunged into the dark coldness.
And i’m sad. I’ve been sad.
I don’t know what else to say.

Video

Bored with Hooping?

I found this on the Hooppath facebook page today.
I think it’s just what I needed……

1. Sway for one entire song
2. Waist hoop only for one entire song.
3. Shoulder hoop only for one entire song.
4. Hoop in 2nd current only for one entire song.
5. Move your feet for one entire song.
6. Try to dance like you’re not hooping. . . while you’re hooping. . . for one entire song.
7. Make peace with something.

Oh #7. . . you shall be tricksy.

Lately I’ve been having all kinds of feels. . .about my marriage. . . my ex husband’s suicide. . . the role I played in all that. . . the relationships I find myself in now (platonic and romantical.) . . . Blah.
I wish I could just NOT carry that guilt. Even though, I know, somewhere in that mess of feels. . .that it wasn’t my fault he did what he did. . .I still feel incredibly responsible. Narcissistic of me to say, but I feel that our failed marraige and the part I played all factored into his choice somewhere. *sigh*

People . . . don’t kill yourselves. Cause the ones you leave behind will never heal fully.

That’s your public service announcement.

Now go hoop. . . or dance. . .or sing. . or rub your butt. . .whatever.

I Did It My Way…

I totally lost my shit last night.

Not like an actual poop.. cause who’s walking around…err..nevermind.

I acted on pure emotion, and now I feel like shit.  Not like the actual mushy substance that comes from your butt…..damn it…moving on.

I’ve been struggling with the perceived realities that have been presented to me….and the ones I have created.  Truths can be relative.

Regret.  I’m living with a huge boulder of regret.
I try not to regret….In the words of Sinatra, “Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.”

The regret of taking love for granted.  The selfish path I took instead of just being honest. 
I was the real coward.

*sigh*

My attempts for the quest of truth have only lead me back to holding the proverbial mirror to my own self.

I sort of feel like Cate Blanchette in the shitty Indiana Jones movie about the crystal skull bullshit….spoiler alert …..when she finally is given the opportunity to know EVERYTHING…and her head explodes because it’s all too much to handle. 

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That is how I feel.  I wanted to know.  Now I do.  And it sucks knowing what I know.

Maybe ignorance truly is bliss…..then again…who wants to walk around being the fool?

Where’s the happy medium?

Anyways.  Yeah. 
Karma.  I get it.

Exit Stage Right.

Another show down and notched in my belt.

I’m kind of sad about it.  I put a lot of time and energy into making it my own and being the best possible Gillian I could be. . . and judging from people’s responses, I was a pretty good Gillian.

So Yay!

I really enjoyed this character for some reason. . .I don’t know if it’s because of the whole “witch” aspect. . . or because they made me wear that wig and hot pants. . .(which by the way, and this will probably be the 1st time I ever admit this. . .but I gotta say, my ass looked fantastic in those hotpants!  Tsssssss!)  Or if it was just her whole transformation into being human.

I can’t say that I related with her all that much. . I mean, I do admire her straight forwardness and honesty. . . Keeping it real. . yet at the same time, I don’t think there was much of a silly side to her.  All business and no nonsense.

That was Gillian.

However, Once her feelings for Shep developed, we saw a softening. . . a weakening.  Not in character or morals. . .but one of that wall she had around her to protect her little heart.

I can dig that.  In fact I dig it on a daily basis.

So maybe I can relate to her more that I originally thought.

I now find myself with out anything to occupy my time.  I’m not quite sure what to do with myself.

I mean, I could find another show to do. . . Though i am not sure I want to jump right back into another one.  I kind of like the feeling of riding the closure of this one out.  I mean, I gotta say. . . I just feel really. . . I dunno. . . calm like? 

Grateful. 

That’s the word I am looking for.

I REALLY enjoyed the process this time through.  I may have stressed out about learning all my lines, but you know what?  I learned them.  I gave them meaning. . . and made them my own.  I’m not saying I don’t normally do so. . but, I dunno.  This time around, I just feel so appreciative of the process, and thankful that the opportunity came about when it did.

The cast was great. . .I really respected the director and the choices he made in regards to the show, the actual theater was really nice. ….I could bitch about the dumb ass stage manager, but in the end. . . who cares? 

I also received a nice write up in a local paper here, which I was pretty stoked about. 

http://westlife.northcoastnow.com/witches-and-romance-combine-on-huntington-playhouse-stage/

I have to say that while we didn’t play out to sold out houses, or thunderous applause. . . I am quite proud of the work we did. . . and the growth I’ve made.

I sort of feel like one of those serious “theater actor thespian” people.

ehhh.. almost.

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F for Fake.

Sometimes we find these connections with people, that at the time, seem very profound and serendipitious.  Was it chance that paths crossed?  Kismet?  Fate? 
It’s easy to get swept up in the feeling of being gotten by someone.

Or the illusion of being gotten.

Stinks when there are ulterior motives….or cowardice….ego….frail frail egos.

If I am not worth the simplest truth, then what good am I too you?

I am not here for an ego boost.

I told you this a long time ago.

I thought it was understood.

Oh well.

The Gig.

So I got that new gig. 
So far it’s ok.  I stay pretty much busy.  The people I work with seem nice enough.

There’s just one problem that isn’t sitting well with me:

No cell phones.
At all.
Anywhere in the building.

The company I work for considers this a HUGE risk as far as people confiscating very private and sensitive information of it’s clients and client’s clients.

I get all this….some people are just chowderheads when it comes to posting shit all over the internets for their and the general public’s amusement, but this also blows.

I feel so incredibly out of touch through out the day.

(There is also a very strict internet policy where you just best not go on it all…..this also pertains to your work email, for everything is monitored.  Even the phones.)

I can’t check in.  I can’t see how people are doing, or ask how they are doing.  I can’t hear about their days as the day goes along.  I can’t be there for anyone who might need emotional support, wise words (cause you know…I’m like full of them.) Comforting words or lend an ear or eyeball to anyone who needs to get some annoyance off their chest.
I can’t be silly.  I can’t spout off the randomness in my head.  I can’t seek information or confirm information.  I can’t flirt.  I can’t let someone know I am thinking of them and how much I miss them.  I can’t tell anyone that I Love them and hope their day is going well.

Everything I want to say at that moment it pops into my head….must wait.

And it kind of sucks, especially because we live in such a instantaneous world where just about everything is accessible at our fingertips.

(Yet at the same time, its kind of annoying.  I mean, look how things were 20 years ago…..I got along just fine then.)

But I digress…..
I am in a little world of separateness, existing in a time before smart phones and instantaneousness was a possibility.

It really shouldn’t be that big a deal.  I mean, you know….people should be more focused on their work.
Despite what my old bitchface boss thought, even with my phone near by, I still got my shit done.  I still remained focused to the task at hand.
It wasn’t like I was just sitting around for hours doing nothing but playing candy crush or enagaging in deep text conversations.
(I mean….that’s a lot of typing on a small keyboard.)

Yet, there was just something comforting to still feel “connected” to a world that exists outside your cubicle.

The whole phone thing also puts me on edge due to situations in my personal life. 
If I’m not “there” or available, there is a chance that someone else will be deemed “acceptable” to pass the time with…..so to speak.

It’s silly.  I know.  It’s my insecurity.  (Well one that has been built up due to actual instances…but whatever…still an insecurity I hold.  I own it.)
Then again, the chances and the very likely hood that this is occurring makes NO difference if I’m available or not.

Again, that last bit is more of an insecurity and control thing.  I just need to learn I can’t control it….or what people do.  I don’t get why it happens….But I can’t control it.  No matter what I do.

*sigh* Maybe that’s part of the reason the path lead me here…..to learn to let go.

So there you go.

There are some other things as well about this gig that is taking some adjusting.

There is no where for me to go and hoop on breaks and lunches.

I could go out to the parking lot…but with the mass exodus for a smoke break (and cell phone check) at these times, I don’t really feel all that comfortable with so many prying eyes….and rape stares….and bitch faces from other employees.  (This is a big company)

The commute really sucks.  The distance is just about the same as my last gig, however it’s very traffic laden.  Not to mention, I can never find my way back west on the drive home.  Its as if the city purposefully hid the on ramp of the highway heading west from me.  Whatever gods of direction/traffic/highways that be….they don’t want me to go home at the end of the day.  Though, they have no problems with me heading further east.

Dicks.

This place also has these weird plastic sleeve things that go around the toilet seats.  I guess this “sleeve” is suppose to slide across the seat so that the next butt has a fresh clean barrier to rest it’s cheeks on.
Sounds good in theory, except half the motors on these things don’t work, and only pull the sleeve over about a half an inch.
It makes me wonder if the inventors of this device only had people with small butts in mind or….what.

Its weird.

But its not all no cell phones and weirdo toilet seat covers….
The work is steady….so far…which is good for making the day go by.
And that’s a nice change from my last gig.
More

Pizza Toss

Out of 30 tries, I nailed 6 of them with some success.  I don’t know what the percentage would be….cause math can go fuck itself….but there you go.
This is my post for the day.
Rock on.

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