Ramble On

I know.  I know I’ve been a total poo as of late.  Debbie Downer, all pessimistic and shit.  Jaded and bitter. 
My sense of humor dulled and watered….my outlook on life darkened.

I’m in an emotional rut.  My depression is getting the best of me.  Fucker.  I hate that guy. 

I’ve been trying to climb out of this hole it created….er…I created, and get back on my feet.  It’s not easy.  It’s hard to find rainbows and unicorns amongst all the dick cheese and grime of this world. (Haha…dick cheese…ehhhh….ewwww.)

There are truths I seek, and they all seem to lead to disappointing endings.  Or fallacies that were never truths to begin with.   Carefully guised in the form of subtle manipulation and insecurities.
It’s hard to, well for me anyways, to discern these truths as axioms or if they are just isolated to me.  Am I just the one with over the top expectations?  Am I stuck on “expectations”? Or is it hope? What’s the difference? This seems to be what I am stuck on as of late.

We all know that we should be open and honest.  Love unconditionally.  So why do some individuals find this to be so taxing?  Why is it so incredibly crushing when the trust you place in another human being is violated?
Why do I constantly set such high expectations?  Are these high expectations?
It’s not me…..It’s the other persons crap. I don’t need to carry it. Yet I do. How can I not when it does involve me….as in the way they treat me.

I miss the me I discovered a few years ago.  Sure sure, she was going through some major shit.  But she got through it.  With sass and perseverance.  Intention, even though she had no idea what the intent was or where it would take her.

Breathe in….breathe out…move forward with Intent.

Did I forget this?
Hmmm….
Or maybe what it all boils down to is that I dimmed myself down due to the insecurities of someone else.

Never dim people.

I dunno.  I’m a just rambling here.  Making no sense as usual.

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Kevin Breel: Confessions of a depressed comic

Kevin Breel: Confessions of a depressed comic #TED : http://on.ted.com/qTQo

I listened to this today and was so moved to tears.  I too, like so many out there, suffer from depression.
It’s such a difficult illness to live with because it IS something that is not taken very serious.  People are constantly telling you, to shake it off….yet you can’t.  It’s always there, no matter how much you shake.  People will tell you, Life isn’t that bad….and instinctively you know it isn’t…yet you always feel that is it.  And maybe the word bad, isn’t the right word……

And yes….you do become numb to it.  It’s crazy.  Sometimes I can’t even wrap my head around how it’s just something that’s….there….like a fixture in a room.

What really caught me about this talk is when he says “My hurt has forced me to have hope.”
And I can sooooo identify with that statement.  Many may see me as pessimistic but in reality, I have nothing BUT hope.  Hope that one day I won’t come across so pessimistic.  😛

But in all seriousness…yes…Hope.  Because sometimes that’s all you have.  That fart stinking hope….that shit will alight itself and you won’t have to just live with it.  That you one day won’t have to fake it…That you will overcome.

Jizzlobber

I feel very anxious these days….frightened at the moment.
I know the situation will not change, no matter how much I wish for things to be different.
My theme for this life…acceptance of what I can not change.
And right now it feels like I can’t change much of anything.

Hey.  Hey you….if you’re still lurking around….He’s trying to make contact with her…maybe you already know….I hope that things don’t go about how they did last time.
Hope at least one of us has a chance at Happily Ever After.

Breaking up….

I ruin your weekends because I want to know why you lie and choose to talk explicitly with other women behind my back and ignore my flirtations….

You sir…have ruined my heart.

No.  Fuck that.  You don’t even deserve the title of “sir”.

Hope the sex chats are worth it.

Coma

I can’t get this out of my head tonight.

It makes me want to dance with fire.

So I think that is what I shall do.