I’m wearing Lipstick again.

“How long is forever?” asked Alice.  The White Rabbit replied “Sometimes forever is only an instant.”

It’s been one week with no contact.  It feels like months.

People keep saying it will get better.

It doesn’t feel better.  It feels as though I sink further and further with each passing day.

I’m trying real hard to stay busy….to keep moving.  Those moments when I stop, is when it creeps in.  I burst out sobbing over the mundane and ordinary because it sparks a memory in me of a time that was NOT mundane and ordinary.

I’ve been reading a book. 
image

I can only read a few pages at a time.  The similarities come jumping off the pages and punch me in the face.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
And while the evidence is “there” my heart is still looking at the slight contradictions. It wants everything to be classic text book. It cannot accept scales. It knows that he can be caring and “empathic” towards others….yet it has no answer for when my head asks why he couldn’t be that way with me.

Even though the feelings on their end are contemptuous, and they have moved on, my heart still clings to the hope.

It doesn’t want to let go.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Magpie
    Jan 24, 2014 @ 09:04:18

    Dont give up, you can be happy!
    Im less than 23 days out of my relationship with a Narc. The lightbulb moment for me came around 14 days after discard. I knew deep down something was not normal but id been in denial. The truth was unacceptable. I broke down and went to see my doc. Long term that was not going to be for me and after finding out all i can about this condition i have now armed myself from him. 5 days into no contact and im starting to mend, im not ok but i know ill get there and so will you.
    Hang in there.

    Reply

    • pixiegirlkc52
      Jan 24, 2014 @ 20:43:10

      Thank you. You’re right. Time will heal. Unfortunately, I am not patient. Well, in this regard. I just want to get on with it. Be done. But I am still very much love with this person. I feel as though I am going into this begrudgingly… a week and some days n/c…..almost a mo since i last saw them….and I am waiting for the moment when I can finally exhale. I just feel heavier and heavier with each passing day. I too will be seeking help. This has been such a mind fuck. Like you, I am still somewhat in denial….but now the anger is starting to set in. *sigh* Thank you again for the words and support.

      Reply

      • Magpie
        Feb 22, 2014 @ 20:15:03

        Mine is still doing his utmost to hurt and wreck, make sure you reach out to your friends, tell them whats happened. im not suggesting you go on to them about it as such but be honest about whats gone on. I felt so alone, isolated and terrified. i blamed myself totally. it took courage to admit to people but what i found is that theyve been incredibly supportive. Come on here to rant and do it fully and frequently! get it out in a safe place.
        I hope your feeling a bit stronger, im still having up n down days and if i even get a hint of him in my life my anxiety levels go through the roof! but its getting better and easier each day. remember who you were before him, find out why you were attracted to him, what led you down that path. then work on yourself. ive been reading all i can on this subject, its helping me understand. I had a victim mentality when i met him. a split with my ex of nearly 20 years, then losing my mum to ovarian cancer, a destructive relationship with a serial philanderer all led me to that point. i was vunerable and easily charmed, he seemed everything id ever wanted!
        It was my choice to make excuses for his bad behavior, i even said to him at the time he would treat me badly again as he had never faced any consequences for doing so… hes facing them now as without a decent supply hes using fb as a supply. check out my recent posts if you want a giggle πŸ˜‰ Be strong beautiful lady, life is good, i promise the sun will shine again. It cant rain all the time x

      • pixiegirlkc52
        Feb 22, 2014 @ 21:07:27

        Thank you my dearest for sharing and your supportive words. My friends knew from early on in the relationship that something just wasn’t “right” yet they have always been supportive in whatever I do. I am so blessed to of have found a caring and loving network of people. They have been my rock during all this.
        I still have days when the sadness and memories creep in. Like today, I was putting away groceries, and my mind just flashed to a time when I would do that for him. Put his groceries away. I never minded it. In fact I never minded ever helping him with mundane .
        It just made me miss some of the good that we had. That is where I struggle.. . because I could sense something “better” in him, yet most of what I saw and got was the shit. Makes me wonder if that “good”, that “sparkle” was all just an act.

        I do miss him incredibly. Doesn’t matter that my needs and feelings were neglected or superceded by his. I just miss him. (I mean it does matter. . . because I deserved better, but my heart still loves him.)

        I’m not sure how I fell prey, I mean, I do. I just got out of a sad and lonely marriage. . I’m sure that had something to do with it. The vulnerability of that whole situation. The excitement and intoxicating thrill of being with someone who presented themselves as the complete opposite of they really were.

        Ha. FB. I haven’t talked to my narc in almost 2 months, but I get a sense that he is “back tracking” with old flames and F’ buddies. Girls he repeatedly tore apart and put down when their names would come up in conversation. . he’s also on a dating website (the very same one I am on) and god knows where else.

        Everyday is one step further away from him, the hurt, lies, deception. . . one day we will both be able to look back with enough distance .

        You’re right. Life is GOOD. The sun does still shine, and I will go on.
        xxxxxx

      • Magpie
        Feb 22, 2014 @ 21:24:43

        I can relate, mine had so much potential! he could be such an amazing person but in hindsight i question that “act”, his actions always spoke louder than words. Yep i still love him, in fact the only way im dealing with it is as far as im concerned is that person died, he doesnt exist any longer. I grieve for the man i knew (or thought i did) but this thing is something completely different. hes a monster dressed up in a fluffy costume, its helped me. I try not to cry at the thought of what we lost as there never was a we…. only him.
        It sounds like your getting your head together πŸ™‚
        we will both have up n down days but remember it was never you, it actually was him! πŸ˜‰
        x

  2. pixiegirlkc52
    Feb 22, 2014 @ 21:30:04

    Sometimes I think it would be easier if he were dead. sad as that is. I mean, that at least makes sense.
    What I went through, the person I fell in love with, does not makse sense. And yes the whole action speaks louder than words. His did. I remember when we 1st started talking he went on and on abdout how he was a big believer of that. Funny he was the one that would contradict that very notion.
    πŸ™‚

    Reply

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