Ego Tripping at the Gates Of Hell

Since my break up, I’ve been in quite the emotional slump.  Being in an unhealthy relationship can really suck the life out of a person. 

It’s not like I wasn’t aware either, that over the past three years I was involved with this person, that our relationship was toxic. I just held out for hope that we would somehow right ourselves, rise above our insecurities and jump from shaky ground to more sure footing.

That’s hard to do when only one person is willing to put in the work.
It’s even harder to do when one person is unwilling to look at themselves and see how they and their actions were part of the selfish bomb that was self destructing the foundation that the other was working so hard to preserve.
If someone would have said to me 3 years ago, or shoot, even 3 months ago that the person I was involved with could very well be a narcissist, I would have never of believed it.

My take on what narcissism is, and while it is part of a wide spectrum, is one where a person is so in love with themselves, that that is all they see….themselves.
Vanity Smurf was what came to my mind. 
image

Vanity smurf however, was actually nice compared to most narcs.  Sure sure, his constant mirror gazing would become incredibly annoying….and while narcissism can be expressed as varying degrees along the spectrum, there are uglier versions of vanity.  Toxic versions.  Dangerous versions. 

At first it’s hard to distinguish a narc from a truly arrogant full of themselves asshole….and from what I can tell, truly arrogant full of themselves cocky sons of bitches assholes… don’t need people.
Not in the way that narcs do.  It’s a very fine and subtle line sometimes, almost easily missed.  Too easily missed if you ask me.

A narcs arrogance comes from a false identity.  Often times than naught, they have no sense of identity….so they just swallow up whomever they happen to sink their claws into and then spit that person out when they appear to be of no more use.
Sink.  Suck.  Spit.  Repeat.

The havoc, mayhem, and emotional mess they leave behind doesn’t concern them.  They have little to no empathy, and it wasn’t they who left behind the mess….It’s never them….It’s always everyone else’s fault.  Never them.

They are the masters of deflection and gas lighting.
If anything it’s YOUR fault things happened the way they did, because YOU didn’t love them enough.

You could have gouged out your eyes…thrown your self from a cliff…ripped your own heart out of your chest and eaten it as proof as to how much you loved and adored this person….and it would never be enough to satisfy a Narc.
They will always find some excuse to justify their behavior.
Because it’s never them.  In fact, if they can’t believe that they themselves are of any worth or have a deep sense of identity, then why would they believe your declarations of love?

*sigh*
I read a great quote which said “Narcissism is not just a word, It’s an experience.”

That right there…..is the gospel truth.  There are just not enough words to describe what it’s like to be involved with one of these people.  There are just not enough words to describe how lost, befuddled and simply baffled one feels after being abused by one of these people. 

There are just not enough words to describe how incredibly broken, hurt and bitter one feels after being discarded by one of these people.  Especially when the narc has moved on to other targets with no concern or care in regards to the damage they have done to you….or anyone for that matter.

It’s a long road to recovery.  To accepting what was….what was presented to you, and what was real….if any of it was real. 
Well, I mean, I’m sure parts were real, but disguised to me in order to get what this person needed from me…it’s still a thought that is hard for me to wrap my head around. It’s what keeps me questioning what was “real” between this person and I.
I have a lot of “Why’s?”

Unfortunately, I will never know the why’s…..which makes this experience that much more maddening.

I just want some answers.

 

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