Gospel.

image

Image

Slump.

As par for the course, whenever I have a hooping performance, I always approach the beginning of the process with much zeal and gusto.

I tell myself that “this time” I’m really going to get on the ball….pick my songs, choreograph out the number and have it polished and all slicked out at least a week or two before the show. That way I can take some time to relax, breathe, and get to the point where I have fun with it.

Yeah.  That has yet to happen.

I was asked back towards the end of Jan to partake in a burlesque show at the end of this month.  Of course I started out with good intentions, as stated above, but then my taurean streak of procrastination kicks in.  I tell myself I have plenty of time….I still have time…..Oh shit, I’m running out of time….Oh Fuck it!  Just vortex over and over. 

This show is two weeks and some change?  Just about?  And I still don’t have a clear idea as to what I can do.  I say can, because my skills are, well, they are what they are.  In my head I have visions of what I’d Like to do….but when it comes to the application of said ideas……yeah.  I’m just not that coordinated or…seasoned.

On top of that I also get into a rut of becoming totally bored with what I can do. It doesn’t matter that those in the audience are tickled by chest hooping and find it pretty impressive ….It’s just chest hooping to me. No big whoopdeedoo.

I need to shift my thinking in regards to this. Just because it’s not new and exciting to me, doesn’t mean that the crowd won’t find it exciting. (Plus, it would save me a lot of stress from being all “meehhhh”)

I have made some progress….I have my songs picked out….an outline for one number, which shouldn’t be too taxing to polish (I hope)
But for the other one, I am feeling such a sense of defeat and unenthusiasm due to lack of inspiration, and well…skill.

I know what it is I want to do, yet my body doesn’t know how to do it.
I’m also finding that the rhythms of hooping and the rhythms of certain dance moves I am trying to incorporate don’t necessarily line up.  One throws the other off and vice versa….or again, perhaps it is I who throws it off due to my lack of expertise. 

*sigh*  I know the only way to become a hooping goddess badass is practice practice practice….but decent space in the Northeast of Ohio during winter months is hard to come by…..blaaaah….excuses excuses.

So that is where I am.  As always….in the midst of a hooping choreograph slump, which I am sure I will bounce out of. I will come to that place of  breakthrough after breakthrough after a few more intense, fist clenching, foot stomping, hair pulling, temper tantrum throwing, cursing the gods of hoop practices…..after which I will feel that sense of calm and accomplishment.  I will then wonder what the hell my problem was in the 1st place.

I guess it’s just how my process goes.  So I should just relax.
Roll with the shift. 🙂

On another note, here is the flyer for the show at the end of the month.  I was quite tickled to see my name had sort of toppish billing….(which only feeds more into my need to be super awesome entertaining)

image

Learn The Map- Weekend Re-Cap

– Rocked sweet purple zig zag dress with the scoop back.

– Held my cool. 

-Witnessed the genius that are the Reformed Whores.  (Seriously so good, it makes me cry from laughing so hard)

)

– Witnessed the genius that is Les Claypool as I got to see him during his Duo De Twang Tour.  (Seriously, probably the best Claypool I’ve seen.)

– Took Friday afternoon off from work.

– Went to Detroit.

-Watched the country side roll by.

-Got stuck in traffic.

– Ate “grown-up” chicken fingers and French fries.

– Watched the Documentary “Our Vinyl Weighs a Ton” (Which I highly recommend.)

 

)

 

– Got hip to Stones Throw Record Label, and how much good shit is on there.

– Learned that I am not the only one to know of Fantastic Planet. (I mean, duh, of course, but it’s always surprising to run into or learn of others who were also deeply affected by this film.)

Image

– Attended the Our Vinyl  Weighs a Ton after party

– Watched and danced as Jay Rock mixed up a killer rendition of George Krantz’s Din Da Da.

– Fell in love with awkward white people dancing off beat, pop lockin’, hair slicking and booty dropping.

– Watched dance battles.  That shit is real.

– Danced and bounced my white awkward big booty off.

-Sat on the edge of the stage during Peanutbutter Wolf as he V-jayed some slick shit.

– Regretted not hanging out and talking with awkward white people dancing off beat, pop lockin’, hair slicking and booty dropping.

– Made up stories about awkward white people dancing off beat, pop lockin’, hair slicking and booty dropping.

-Slept hard.

-Saw the sights of where a friend grew up.

– Ate some pizza.

– Watched the countryside roll by.

– Listened to regaling of stories, and fell in love with the awesomeness that are the people that I know.

– Slept hard

– Watched Shakes the Clown.

– Ate more Pizza.

– Missed someone, a life I once had, and a furry friend.

–  Slow danced in the kitchen (again. . cause why not?)

– Attempted to sing The Metro by Berlin all the while laughing over the ridiculousness of a sheet over one’s head and facing away from me while playing the chords on the guitar so as not to make me feel any more of a jack ass than I already did.

– Flashbacked to moments

– Fell in love with this song.

)

– “Outlined” a hoop/burlesque number for an upcoming show.

– Came to the realization, that even though this part of the path I am on now feels alien and at times just not “right”, it is the path I am on.  So just walk it.  It’s like coming onto a new board in a video game and learning the maps.   Learn the map.  Save the princess.  Save you.

Tiny Gasps.

There are  brief moments,  that light up and fade with in a second of breathing them.
These feelings are so fleeting, only surfacing for a moment or two and then hurrying to sink back into the safety of my being before being gobbled up by the anger I am carrying to protect my tired and weary heart, but their presence transcends the moment where everything around me aligns and all the colors come back into the prism. 

Little glimmers of truths.

It is in these moments where I can see nothing but gratitude for the experience I had with “him” and the past three years.

I am grateful for the love.  The love I was capable of giving to someone in an experience such as that was… and how I fought tooth over nail for the purity of that love.  And what a truly beautiful thing that is. 
Loving someone that deeply. Fiercely.  Unconditionally.

I am so grateful for that….beauty.  That simplistic innate truth.

I once heard a saying that goes along the lines of “A man’s worth is not measured by how loved he is, but how much he has loved.” …..or something like that.

And for once, I truly feel that.  When those specks of recognition connect to the surface, all the hurt, the lies, the bullshit….It all doesn’t matter as much.  Those feelings become replaced with all the good.  The shiny moments.  The reminders of what our infinite souls are capable of.

Some will argue that this man was not worth that kind of love….  and maybe so, in the sense that it was not reciprocated, that his treatment and attitude towards me was selfish, hurtful and lazy….but we should all be so lucky to love with such abandonment and completeness.

I still carry hurt, anger and bitter disappointment but during these moments I feel the veil lift, the shell soften, and my heart taking tiny gasps towards breathing in life and healing.

So I take this moment to thank him.  To thank the powers that be that pulled me into his path, and him mine.  I take this moment to thank myself ……for never holding back……for being true to that part of my infinite authentic being. 

What I Did This Past Weekend.

-Hibachi Hijinks and lots of saki.
-Laughing and connecting with my flow family.
-Celebrating the birthday of my dearest kindred soul.
– Rocking the red dress.
-Dancing to the Oldies.
– Sneaking in some time with the Riddum.
– Feeling a bit like my old sassy self.
–  Margaritas and Chicken quesadilla at one of my fav local spots with a cute boy and my bestest girlfriend.
– Feeling warm and cozy on the couch watching episodes of Seinfeld and feeling content with the moment.
– Missing what was, even though I know it’s probably for the best. 
-Slowly coming to a place of acceptance….even if I am still dragging my heels, and still hold out for hope.
– Breakfast in bed.
– Serenades of “Love Shack” melancholy style.
– Bowl of skittles.
_ Being Lost in thought while savoring bowl of skittles and looking out the window at the trees.
– Laying in bed cozy and warm with the cat.
– Finding a cute white crocheted dress….80% off!

image

– Laughed at the awesome ridiculousness that is my brother’s friend, who was able to sneak into a sold out show.
– Seeing The Sword in concert.

image

image

– Moshed around with my brother and a room full of big sweaty bearded men.
– Walking past Pizza….seeing the sad look on brother’s friend’s face, and walking right back to Pizza. 

Repeat after me….Life IS good.  You ARE doing alright.  This is where you NEED to be.

Chat