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Hoop Path Cleveland 2014

Hoop Path Cleveland was last weekend, and this time around, It left me in a very weird, and sad head space.

Normally, I feel rejuvenated….spiritually speaking.  In a way, almost nourished.  This time however, I dunno.

I have all kinds of weird feels going on in me.

It wasn’t that the workshops themselves weren’t good…they were, however, Sunday afternoon I hit a wall and a total shift happened that I just couldn’t seem to shake for a few days.

Everything was going great. 
I missed Friday’s workshop, which I was ok with.  There was something else that had come up that I already had committed to, but I didn’t mind that I could only partake in 2 days of the workshops. Normally in the past I would be quite sadden by this. I guess you could say I was in a place of acceptance instead of disappointment.

Saturday I came, I was handed my ass as far as drills and movement.  I felt a deeper sense of appreciation and recognition for the beauty….even with all it’s struggles.  I was in a place of gratitude. 
I even smiled and tried to attempt folding and point….which are forms of hooping that I have been introduced to in the past, but just lack the coordination or grasp of these techniques.
As always I reverted and committed to my mantra of “Do what you can, and don’t worry about what you can’t.”

Saturday night there was a gathering after the workshop at a friends house, where there was lots of fire spinning. I actually fire hooped and spun some fire poi. Of course sticking to moves that made me feel comfortable and safe with out the worry of setting my head and face on fire. It’s a start.

All and all my 1st day of Hoop Path had been incredible wonderful. When I finally laid my head down on my pillow early Sunday morning I was still in a place of gratitude, appreciation and love.

A few hours later as I wrestled myself out of sleep to get up and at em’ for the next workshop, I could feel how incredibly angry my body was. My legs especially. Everything hurt. I came very close to saying forget it…I’m out on the Sunday workshop, but the thought of knowing that there would be stories of the Maidan, which are the mythological “super heroes” of hooping, to be told, I pushed though my pain and tiredness to get to the workshop.

Even though my body was done, so to speak, my mind was not.

The first half was us laying (or moving about if we felt the need) and meditating on the stories.
Baxter, the man behind these myths, told them with such beauty and grace. He talked of these women as though they could have actually existed. Their stories all serving as a reminder and lesson to how to overcome daily struggles with insecurities and our approach to the world.

Afterwards, we did some long “sway” sessions, in which you go blindfolded and just feel and allow your body to move in whatever way it deems to the music. The reason you go blindfolded, again, is to block out the insecurities and scrutiny of why you don’t “appear” to move as others do.
It’s more a lesson in letting go and just being. Letting your own true authentic movement come through.

I was doing really good up to this point. Tired….but still incredibly grateful.
Then it was back to Folding and Touch.
And then that was where I hit the wall.

I became overly frustrated that I wasn’t grabbing the concept behind these techniques. That I wasn’t at least picking something up. I wasn’t grasping anything.
I tried to go back to the whole do what you can, but I kept finding myself getting angry.
At one point my body just shut down. It was done. This only added to my level of frustration.
I spent the last hour of the workshop just hating it….and turning all that negativity inwards onto myself.

I tried to keep in mind all of that gratitude that I held so close just a few hours before, but had a hard time erasing the negativity I just allowed myself to permeate my being.
I sat in closing circle reflecting on why I just allowed myself to let that happen.
That was when a floodgate of personal introspection began.

I was sitting in frustration and sadness over my inability to fold and point that allowed the next flow of thoughts to occur. I tend to be very critical of myself and can be very brutal and mean. My anger at my lack of coordination opened a floodgate of all kinds of ugly thoughts and feelings.
Or was this a breakthrough….a holding of the mirror in front of my face, making me aware of the issues I need to address in myself.

My last relationship, really has fucked with my head, heart and very being. I had thought I was coming to terms with what had been endured and letting go, but a lot of questions in regards to my character, my being during that situation arose.

I don’t really like the person I was during that period. I don’t feel I was shining bright. I don’t feel as though I was being truly authentic and living my truth fearlessly. I adopted behaviors I felt at the time would help me survive or gain better grasp on the relationship. I felt justified.
Looking back, I can only shake my head. I have all kinds of reasons for doing what I did…but they all just feel like excuses, and not worth the breath to say them all.

I also let this other person’s words doubt my inner light and true authentic self. I hear them saying things now about me, while in my heart of hearts know not to be fully true about myself, and yet, I still sit in doubt. Are they right? Am I that? Is that who I really am? Or is it just the final ploy of a narcissistic asshole trying to get in one last jab?

I came to the realization of since that whole ordeal, how truly closed off I have become.
And I don’t like it.
I feel as though I have become selfish in my need for self preservation. Yes…I have been hurt. Who hasn’t? How long do I need to keep myself and others at a distance? How long must I go on licking my wounds, while others around me need my help? How much longer must I walk around numb to the lives of others and myself, because of the fear I carry of investing too much and only being left with disappointment and hurt?
When will I just get over myself?

All these thoughts slammed against my head, which lead me to end my hoop path experience on a rather sad note.

Since then, I’ve been trying to make sense of all those thoughts. Those feelings. I innately KNOW I am not that horrible of a person that this man I was involved with implies that I am. So why do I keep doubting myself? Why is it that when these moments swoop in, do I not pluck those moments of gratitude and sling them back into the face of those doubts?

There is a place of gratitude for those dark moments of self doubt. Because it’s only then that I am truly able to look at the whole picture of my being. Not just the kick ass side of me that blinds every blemish of my psyche….but all facets of my being. The good, the bad…and even the ugly.

Days later, as I have finally processed those thoughts and addressed those parts of me I am finally coming to a another place of acceptance of my past situation. (I say another place, for there are still parts of me that are still dealing and mourning.) Simply put, if I didn’t like who I was then, then don’t be that person NOW.
What’s done is done. No need in continually beating myself up. Learn and move on. Truly learn.
And hopefully with writing all this, it will serve as a reminder to myself, to step outside of the hurt. That it’s ok to let people in, and move close to others. That any disappointments I have, are because of the expectations I set.

Even simplistic expectations. Expectations that at times I feel are universaly felt.

It’s all on me. How I choose to respond to those disappointments…again…is all on me.

While I still feel fucked up from the past three years, and my movement along that path, I do feel a small sense of healing as well.
I know I can change. I know that I will.

I still can’t get folding and point down….but maybe one day I will.

Liquid

The Liquid show came and went and I have to say that this time, It was probably the best I have performed…..ever.

There were some snags, but I kept on.

The floor was super slippery.  The spot light was blinding me.  I missed a few minor points in the 1st number, but nailed the moves that coincided with the music. 

My numbers were very well received by the audience. 
I mean, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I received a lot of nice compliments.

I was hoping to include some video for this post, but all the videos are on FB and I can’t figure out a way to share them elsewhere.  Oh well.

The 1st number was very flapperish, and very choreographed.  I timed in a chest roll right when there was a brief break in the music which looked real nice, and my costume was cute to boot.

The 2nd number was me double hooping, then hooping and spinning poi, then stripping down to the brightest LED pasties one could concoct while hooping and spinning poi.  It was incredibly fun, and the one number I just sort of “went” with…..meaning I had parts mapped out, but left a lot of room for things to happen.  Should they happen.  (Like dropping the second hoop, or smacking my face with a poi).  Everytime I would rehearse this number, something always would happen.  Performance time though, things went off with out a hitch.

So yeah!

I have another show coming up on the 26th, where I will only have to do one number and then in May it’s off to Toledo and Detroit.

Pretty exciting.

I did notice there are some things I need to work on, such as better posture (god my posture is horrid) and I noticed I reverted to tyrannosaurus rex arms  during certain points.  So things to keep in mind, but all in all I’m quite proud of what I pulled off. 

So yeah!