Ain’t no sunshine…

I lost my sunshine yesterday.  My heart is utterly broken and I can’t believe he is gone. 

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This guy has been with me through a lot of shit.  Divorce….moving three times….the death of my ex husband..my kidney scare…his own battles with his kidney and bladder disorders….

When I was sad.. He laid with me.  When I was sick….he laid on me.  When I was happy….he laid close by me.

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He was a light in my heart and the connection between us was ingrained in our souls.

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He was drinking lots of water the past few weeks and urinating quite a bit.  I thought maybe it was just the heat.  After all he seemed in good spirits and still begged obsessively for treats.

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Then last week I was dog sitting.  My precious Francis isn’t keen on other animals being around in his space.  He seemed to lay around, not doing much.  I thought perhaps he was sulking and not wanting to deal with the curiosities of a dog who rarely comes into contact and who seemed quite afraid of cats

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Saturday though I watched him crawl on the floor to his water bowl and rest his head on it.  I grabbed him and took him in.

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They took blood and pumped him with fluids.  He seemed a bit dehydrated.  The vet suspected possible kidney infection or failure but wouldn’t know till the results of the blood test came back.  She listened to his heart and said it sounded OK, so that was good.  I took him home.  He seemed a bit better and I noticed he moved from the floor of the spare room where he pretty much was hanging out the week I had the dog to the couch in the living room.

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The next day I found him back on the floor in the spare room…. This time his breathing was very labored.  I took him to the emergency vet.  They took a listen to his heart, it sounded very irregular.  They put him on oxygen which seemed to help him breathe.

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Since we didn’t know the results of the blood test and didn’t want to repeat anything that prolong him getting the immediate help he needed, the emergency vet took an xray.  She saw that his heart was so enlarged and there was fluid in his lungs.  It was now a catch 22.  If he had kidney failure you couldn’t dry him out, and not flush the kidneys with fluids.   Due to the excessive enlargement of his heart his lungs were working overtime… And it wouldn’t be long till he would just suffocate.

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It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  To say Good-bye to my bestest friend.  I’m sure all pet owners who have lost their furry babies can relate. 

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I feel in a way that I failed him.  He looked to me to protect and take care of him.  This was just something I couldn’t protect him from.

I stayed with him till the very end.  I kissed him and told him how much I loved him and how I was so so sorry.

After he was gone I held him for a little while longer.  I didn’t ever want to forget the feel of his fur.  God….he was so goddamn soft.  Like a chinchilla. 

He was the most awesome cat I have come into contact with…..and I’ve met some pretty awesome cats ( and of course I’m biased….. Aren’t we all as pet owners?).  In fact I wasn’t too keen on cats till he came along.  He melted my heart like no other. 

He was sassy and playful.  He was grumpy and affectionate.  He loved hanging out.  More times than nought, once he was used to you, he just wanted to be a part of what was going on. 

I will miss him incredibly.  My heart is torn into pieces.  I can’t even fathom going home, because he is no longer there to greet me.

I will miss you my darling puddin.  My bubby.  My Mr. Francis Black.

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Burning Blah.

Soooooooo…..
I’m going to Burning Man.

I know….I know.  Me.  The one who pitched a fit and bitched about it the last  two years.

I’m going.

Let me just say though, that so far my thoughts and feeling are still pretty much the same. 

So why am I going?

Well because I already committed to going.  That and there is that part of me that still wants to see what all the hub bub is about.  Even though I am incredibly disenchanted by the whole process.

The whole couple of months leading up to this thing have been nothing but a pain in my ass.

While i don’t have any expectations of the event itself, The whole process leading up to it… The preparation…. The money… Holy crap the money… Leave me with an unimpressed viewpoint.  ( though everyone has reassured me that preparation IS a total pain in the ass… But once I get there…. It will be sooooooo worth it.  We shall see.)

I’m trying to stay open and in the moment…. But because my moment with preparing for this is such a pain…. It’s hard for me to be excited.

Anyways, I’ve got so much more to say on the subject but am out of time for now.    I’m sure I’ll bitch more about it later.

Yeah.  Burning man.

Ppbbblllttt.