A Narcissist Hoovering Q & A

http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/hoover-manuver/

Wow!  This totally puts things in perspective.  It’s not as if I didn’t know this to some degree,  but during this last round with the ex, and knowing what I know…. It all hits home.

It’s just more nails in the coffin to lay all the bullshit to rest.

Jack ass.

I found myself hanging with the ex here and there the past few months, and even though I know better, I threw caution to the wind anyways.

Predictable as he is, and just like clockwork, I once again have found myself in that place where, when he is faced with his contradictions, I am the one who is told to fuck off.

  He still seems quite adamant in his “justification” that since I have and hang around with male friends, that he was excused to partake in inappropriate behavior with ex girlfriends…ex fuck buddies…random girls from random fetish websites…

In his eyes, when you are in a relationship, all other friendships should cease. …and since I don’t believe in such poppycock….he decided that it was his right to start up online affairs.
Then make me feel guilty for even looking at another man. 

It’s not like we were even together these last few months.  So I don’t know why he got his panties in a bunch. 

While I did get huffy over the fact that he was out with some girl at an event that he and I normally would go to, I was more upset over the fact that this new supply of his probably thinks he’s a swell guy…..and I don’t want anyone thinking he’s a swell guy.  Not after all the heartache he put me through, and especially because I know what a dick licker he is.  I suppose it’s the unfairness of how he gets to skip away without any real accountability for his actions. 

That’s what gets me.

I know that karma will catch up to him.  I just want it to be NOW.

And yeah…I probably shouldn’t have been hanging out with him again in the first place.

Life has been pretty good without him in it.  So I should just leave it that way.  We don’t need to be friends, and while I miss the dog immensely…. I need to just let her go as well. 

That’s what makes me the most sad.  The dog.  She was what got me through a lot of the rough patches….. Patches made rough by him nonetheless.

I thought maybe this time around what with the distant few and far between hanging outs and sporadic texts here and there, that we could somehow stay on friendly terms.  After all, as ridiculous as it sounds, I still do care for the guy.  Probably more than some think I should.  But ya know….I still do. 

But ce la vie.

So that’s that.

Other than that annoyance, It’s been burlesque as usual.  I have a show this sat, and a whole bunch of thoughts about my path in burlesque…. But I’m gonna save that for another time.   I just needed to dump all that stupidness off my chest. 

I feel better now.  Not that I felt too horrible to begin with about this last batch of narc nonsense.

I just needed to pick off the last of those brambles. 
Next time, I’ll better navigate that path.

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Burning Man.

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I went.  I saw.

I saw lots of cool shit.

I didn’t have some religious experience or spiritual awakening.  I didn’t feel a deep connection to other participants and the community itself.  ( I mean I could bitch about the majority of the people in my camp…. But I won’t.  If anything, at the time, it was frustration over the lack of consideration for others…. But whatever.). Not going to lie, but some of what I came across felt corny and contrived.  That’s just me.

The events leading up to it, and how I was initially approached to go…. And then forgotten about… Well that definitely added to the already sour taste in my mouth….

Once I was there though, all that bullshit seemed meaningless.  Not as important.  Not something to carry and close me off to the experience.

I will have to agree with most that it is an experience that is undescribable.  It is different for everyone.

The highlights.

The moments of biking across the playa, seeing the mountains off in the distance.  Those were the moments I felt most at peace.

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The moment of being swallowed up in a dust storm, and stumbling upon others for brief moments before they disappeared back into the fog of the dust.

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The moment of saying goodbye to a very dear soul and wishing him peace and gratitude on his eternal journey.

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Reading the thoughts and stories of others.  The intimate moments and personal truths they chose to share.

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Laughing and melting into the comfortableness of being with loved ones, and creating new stories with others.  Just being with others.  Accepting and being accepted.

The sea of LEDs at night.

The structures themselves.  The time, energy, thought,and love that went into them.

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The constant uhhhnn tttt uhhhnn ttt of the sound camps.

The magic, wonderment, imagination, dedication and pure love of those who brought to life pieces of art.

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The burns.  Each of them different.  Some were for show and bad ass.  Some were quiet and reflective.

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I wish I would have done more while I was there.  There was so much, that it would have been impossible to cram in everything that sounded interesting.  I forgoed a lot of early morning workshops and late night parties due to exhaustion and the desire for my pillow.

I stayed drug free…. Other than caffeine.
(Not that I do drugs anyways)
I didn’t want my experience to be about that.

Would I do it again?  I absolutely would.

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(Though next time I will get the yarn dreads for my hair.  Having such fine thin hair and not being able to wash it for five days was not fun.  But again…. You just gotta go with it.  Even when the dry shampoo you got doesn’t do diddly squat and you’re walking around with dildo head…. A term I use to describe really horrible hair days.  😛 )

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18 Fantastic Ways to Let Go. | elephant journal

I definitely need to work on five, six and fourteen.  

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/06/18-fantastic-ways-to-let-go/