Sometimes the Bar Eats You…. So Bite It Back.

I’ve been absolutely horrible at keeping up with this blog. 

I’m just super lazy.

Well… I mean I’ve been doing stuff. I’ve been dedicating my time to other things, like hanging out with other people, ummm… Sleeping… Catching up on the tv’s …. Really taking the time for some cold chilling.  (Literally and figuratively speaking.  It’s been cold as a mofo lately.)

OK.  I’ve been lazy.  :p

The time for my much needed break from burlesque-ing and hooping is coming to a close.  I have a show in two weeks and another in about a month.  Then after that, the troupe starts back up for another season.

I had really wanted to use my time off to just sort of re-group.  Get my head and heart space right.  Come back feeling fresh and full of ideas. 

I got nothing.

I shouldn’t say I don’t have anything.  Actually I do.  I do have ideas… I’ll even go as far as to call them visions…. It’s the execution and my lack of confidence that is still tripping me up.

I should have been practicing these past months, but the disappointment I feel most times when I step inside my hoop really keeps me from wanting to pick it up. 

The minute I touch my hoop with the thought of creating some sort of routine immediately makes me tense.

So I have been sort of avoiding my hoop.

I have this problem of being incredibly hard on myself, which then leaves me feeling discouraged right from the get go.

I really need to let go of these high expectations and just flow.  Have fun.  Enjoy the process. 

More times than often, I will beat myself up because I feel stagnant and lackluster. Too repetitive. Or I lack the skills to pull off ideas. I berate myself and grow even more irate over messing up the simplest of moves.

I have set such a high bar for myself that just thinking about it makes me tired, and I just don’t want to deal with it.

I had hoped that by now I would have learned to relax.  Learned to breathe out those expectations, and get back to why it was I started performing.

I mean, I may not be the best …. But as long as I have fun with it, then who cares right? 

Yet I strive for this level of excellence that I already know my body can’t handle. 

I’m not sure what to do. 

I’ve never been really good at showing myself forgiveness.  I know part of that stems from my bone disorder, and my stubbornness to not let it rule what I can and cannot do.
But you know, I can’t bend the way certain hoopers do.  I don’t have the balance or certain coordination.  I didn’t study dance growing up.  My body was just not built that way.  It is what it is, and I really need to come to accept this in regards to my performing. 

That is exactly why I started this journey.  The reason why I got into burlesque and hooping.  To learn to love my imperfections and embrace the beauty in them. To learn to be comfortable in own skin.

If I can’t convey that to others, then I really have no business being on that stage. After all, for me, that is what burlesque is. Owning your sexuality, your being and embracing every part of it.

I feel I’ve fallen so far away from that place of self acceptance…and have gotten stuck in this wretched cycle of superficialities. 

Blah. It hasn’t been easy to break out of this thinking. This way of feeling.

If I truly want to keep pursuing this avenue of performing, I really need to get over myself.

So that’s how I’ve been feeling. Now to recognize and take action…. And to be more forgiving.

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