Chemo and Such- Cancer Can Suck a Dick.

I’m halfway through my first round of chemo.

They started me out on three days of three-hour intervals over a 12 hour span.
So they would give me chemo for three hours, then give me a three-hour reprieve, do another three hours and then give me a 12 hour break till the next go around.

It was tiring, but I got through it relatively speaking.

After that, I was on 48 hours of straight chemo.

Yeeeaahhh.

I can’t even articulate the feelings and sensations of that whole experience.

I was completely wiped out. My body was fighting. That’s all I knew.

I wasn’t exactly nauseous. They were giving me meds for that, so that’s probably good….but I still felt a sense of sickness. It just wasn’t like anything I had ever experienced. Not the waves of immediate paucity to expel the depths of my deepest bowels for that moment of calm respite. It was…weird. In fact the only times I actually did spill the contents of my stomach was after I was given oxycodone to help ease the pain of the bone marrow biopsy and then again after they did a spinal tap. Fucking oxycodone. Fuck that shit.

Sleep hasn’t been all that restful.  Even in sleep I could feel myself fighting.  Pushing through, trying to send my cells the energy they needed to do what they need to do.  My dreams were dark and almost comatose.  Fleeting images and voices floating in and out.  I was continually waking up soaked, drenched with sweat which reeked of chemo.  My pillows stained with that wetness and smell.  My clothes and hair clinging to my body.   It was like having a fever dream….but with out the fever.

On top of all that, they were pumping me full of lasix to get rid of the water weight.  At the start of the cycle I was up every ten to fifteen minutes to pee.  As it wore on, time lapsed, but sleep was always interrupted by the need to expel the contents of my bladder.   I think I was up at least every other hour having a pee.  If it wasn’t the lasix, then it was the fluids they were pumping me full of.

 

The combination of being tired and just …..fighting, wears on me emotionally at times. Depending on the day I am having, anyone walking into my room can be met with watery eyes and just the need for understanding. The understanding that even though I am a tough cookie…I am allowed to still be scared, tired and just done with what is going on.

I think maybe that is the hardest part. To just let myself be vulnerable and say at moments that you know, I’m tired of being strong. I just wanted someone to take my hand and let me be..just be..in that moment and know that it is ok.

After the 48 hours I had a few days of no chemo.  Maybe a small bag here and there, but after that 48 hour one….I definitely had this shit in the bag.  That was until it was decided that I needed to have a lumbar puncture where they would draw some spinal fluid and inject a shot of chemo into my spinal fluid. It’s a precautionary procedure, as the cancer could sneak into the fluid and there would be no way of traditional chemotherapy could get to ii.

The thought of a needle being stuck into my spine really threw me into a panic. It was here where I felt I truly wimped out. I tried to stay calm. But when it came down to it, I cried and broke down.  Crying in front of the doctors and shaking like a leaf.

Thank goddess they let the boyfriend and my uncle stay in the room to hold my hands during the procedure. I don’t know how else I would have gotten through it.

The procedure went fine. But it was still intense for me. Sure I couldn’t “feel” anything. But I could feel the pressure… and stuff moving about. It just wasn’t fun.   I don’t like my spine t be touched with to begin with.   It just feels uncomfortable and weird.  Gives me the heebie jeebies.   Let alone sticking needles back there.

The day after I had the headache from hell. Which started to make me nauseous. They gave me the anti nausea medicine, but as far as the headache itself went, I can only take oxycodone, as Tylenol and ibuprofen can hide fevers which they need to keep an eye out for since my immune system has been wiped pretty low. I thought if maybe i took the shit on a full stomach I should be ok. I got in a few hours of sleep, woke up feeling ok and then all of sudden the urge to purge was imminent. Once that was over, my head hurt once again, if not worse. Back to square one. So it was a day of deep breathing and meditating to try to move over the hurdle.

And unfortunately, that will not be my only and last LP. I am to have them every month.

So. whoowhoo.

This next leg of treatment involves having to take a bunch of steroids at night. I hate them. 15 little green pills that dissolve into acidic bitterness the minute they touch my tongue. Or get stuck in my throat and dissolve there, sending my gag reflex into action. But I guess considering the other parts of treatment, this is the cake walk.

So far my prognosis looks good. I am progressing along nicely. Though the Dr’s did come back and say that a bone marrow transport is in my near future. At first they didn’t think I would need it so soon….if i needed it at all, but there is this thing called the Philadelphia gene that I only have half of. And while only having half of the gene is better than having the whole shebang, I think they still want to be as proactive as possible.

I’ll get more into that gene business later. As I still have many questions in regards to that one, and really need to learn to articulate the delicate processes that are involved with how those genes seek each other and dance with one another.

My support circle is unbelievably incredible. I can’t even fathom where I would be without every one. They truly are the force behind my fight in all this. I am so blessed. I can’t stress this enough. It amazes me on a daily basis. Even the kindness of strangers opens my heart wide with awe and love.
Loved ones aiding me in my call to arms.

It’s such a beautiful thing. I get so weepy just thinking about it. The gratitude that fills my soul is unlike anything I have ever felt, and definitely the catalyst for the strength needed to kick this bullshit disease.

So I continue to push. I continue to focus. Continue to fight.

fuck_cancer_hey_cancer_fuck_postcards_package_o

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