E=MC^2- Cancer Can Suck a Dick.

I was supposed to start round four of chemo yesterday, but due to a recent slight infection and my energy level, I think the Dr. took pity  on me and moved it back a few days.

“Rest up!” he said.

Which annoys me, because “resting” is all I seem to do.

Or can do.


My energy level since Round three has been that of a slug.  Actually slugs look more sprightly than I do.

I shuffle about from room to room trying to catch my breath.

You would have thought I just ran a 10K with how winded I become from just making toast.

Take your energy level on the worst day of the flu, and for me, that’s an actual good day.

Just to make sure there was nothing wrong with my lungs or heart, they had me do a walking pulse oximetery test (where they measure how much O2 is in your blood stream.) around the Dr. office.    My pulse ox, as we say in the biz, was normal.  My heart rate though, shot up to 150bpm.  Again, I wasn’t even walking briskly or at a normal pace.  I was just shuffling along.  And not in a cool James Brown kind of way.

An EKG later, everything shows normal and it’s chalked up to be “one of the side effects of chemo.”

But it’s still not sitting well with me.

I know everyone’s reaction to treatment is different.  No two people respond the same way.  Yet I can’t let go of the thoughts that I should be more physically active during all this.

I see other people going through their chemo out shopping, having lunch with friends, even working out, and it baffles me to how they have the energy.  For me, putting socks on is a work out in itself.  Call it a day.

It’s when I make these comparisons that I worry I am not progressing along as I should.

The Dr. has reassured me that I am in fact, doing great.  I just have to keep in mind that the treatment  I am receiving is usually administered to children, who are more resilient and vibrant.  They can bounce back quicker.

Me on the other hand, while still young, it’s going to take some time.  Plus with my chemo being 21 days apart from each other, only really gives me time to recoup enough to go back and withstand another round of chemo, which of course wipes me out and then repeat.

It’s like building a 12 story building, getting to the 6th floor and then demolishing everything to start over.

I dunno.  I’m tired of being tired.

Life is happening.  I get sad that I am missing out on so much right now.  I miss dancing.  I miss hooping.  I miss meeting up with friends.  I miss just being able to walk up and down my stairs without having to slow down and catch my breath.

Round four is going to be another doozey, but after this round I will be halfway through the chemo treatments, so that’s something.

I just can’t wait till I am finally able to write that I finished my last chemo treatment.   That day can’t come soon enough.

Soon though.  Soon.