It’s Just the Drugs Talking…..Right?

 

I have steroids wrecking havoc on my system.  I can’t seem to get away from them.

I would be all done with them except they are the only thing at the moment keeping a tedious and excruciating pain away.

Days later I feel the emotional effects.  Which are just as worse as the pain.

Lose Lose.

I’m tired of the disgust towards my body I am carrying.  It’s becoming obsessive.  And scary.

I thought working out was suppose to help you fee better?  Instead I just feel more depressed and unsure.  I don’t know what the hell I am doing.  How do I know if what I am doing is effective?  How many times do I need to do this?

I just want pizza.

Either way I look at it, restriction comes from somewhere, and some part of my being suffers regardless.  (though typing that and thinking about how I am “suffering” from lack of pizza is quite ludicrous.) But my relationship with food is dangerously close to becoming unhealthy.  Every time I eat, I want to cry and the shame just washes over me.  I feel every calorie turn to fat and settle into the blubbery recesses of my ass.

This is what cancer has done to me.

 

And I hate it’s fucking face.

 

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