My Anaconda Don’t Want None Unless you Got Bunions.

Back in November I had foot surgery to remove a bunion.

It’s been the worst fucking thing to ever happen to me.  Medically speaking.  Ok, ok ok….almost as worse than fuckface cancer.

I luckily inherited this protrusion from my mother.  And grandmother.  And her mother.  And so on and so on I am guessing.  I’m also guessing that my bone disorder probably didn’t help much in this department as well, cause this thing was pretty big as far as bunions are concerned.  A stage 3 on the from not so bad to pretty bad scale, with a 4 being pretty bad.  (Stage 4 is literally where your toes are pushed over on top of one another….which sounds not fun at all.)

My bunions have always bugged me.  Physically and aesthetically.  Sharp shooting pain would radiate out from the bone pushed out of place, especially at night when all I wanted to do was sleep.  Imagine being stung repeatedly on the side of your big toe.  Yeah..

Not to mention finding shoes wide enough to accommodate such a beast was a bitch.

I had become quite self conscious of my feet.  I never wore flip flops, or sandals that didn’t have a wide enough strap to hide the damn thing.  Never walked barefoot around people I didn’t know that well, unless I absolutely had to.  Never did foot fetish porn…Not that I wanted to….well..who knows, maybe if my feet hadn’t been so jacked up I may have given it a go to surplus some extra income.  (Surplus??  That’s not the word I want to use….bloody chemobrain….)

I figured as long as i had the down time, might as well take care of it.

So I made an appointment with a Podiatrist.

(Side note…my Podiatrist is really really really good looking, and from here on, will be reffered to as Hot Dr.)

After some x-rays and consultations, he advised, I could approach this in one of two ways.  One where they just push the bone back in and fuse my big toe together to keep the bone from protruding back out.  This option would result in a shorter recovery time, 4 wks to be exact. Or I could go for option #2 a lapidus bunionectomy, where they insert a rod into the bone of my foot to keep aligned.

Option 2 allowed for more flexibility,  whereas option 1 would not, and since I dance and yoga and all the other crap I do, #2 seemed the better choice, regardless of the longer recovery time of 6-8 weeks.

Hot Dr. warned me that this would be incredibly painful, but I laughed at his warnings thinking that with my combined shitty medical history and all that I had endured, that this procedure would be nothing compared to say oh…..cancer?  My pain threshold was high.  I wasn’t scared of a little pain.

However, when that nerve block wore off after surgery, I was singing a different tune.

Holy fuck of all that is fucking holy….

Nothing was working to ease the amount of pain I was in.  I’m surprised I didn’t overdose from taking just about every narcotic prescribed to me.

A week and a half go by, and back to see Dr. Hot to have my huge encasement of bandaging removed and to be fitted for a boot.

He unwraps my foot and says that it way more swollen than he would like it to be, however given my previous condition (cancer) it would make sense that my body is still a bit out of whack.  But other than that….everything looked good.  They throw me in the boot, and send me out on my way with a follow up in 3 weeks or so.

The whole time however, my foot is stinging like a motherfucker.  Some days it felt like blisters on the tops of my toes.   Other days it felt like someone was stabbing the back of my heel with a screwdriver.   Most days it was a combination of both.

To say I was miserable is an understatement.

My foot felt ( still feels) dull to the touch.  Like when your foot falls asleep, and you try to move it or stand on it and it feels like you stuck your toe in an electrical socket.  Oh and let me mention that it feels like it’s wrapped in thick plastic, and there’s a credit card slicing me down the middle of my big toe and the other guy next to it.

Upon my follow up appointment, Hot Dr. informs me that due to the severity of the bunion, that there was probably excessive nerve damage from rearranging things and shoving things back into place, and that the feeling in my foot should come back….with in a year’s time.  Cause nerves have nothing better to do than take their sweet time repairing themselves.   Fucking pussies.

So that’s where I am today.  Putting weight on my foot feels weird, uncomfortable and hurty.. and had someone told me sooner to start putting weight on it, maybe it wouldn’t be this tough for me to stand/get to walking on it now.

I started physical therapy last week, and I know this guy is gonna push me.  Hard.  I mean, I guess that’s good, cause I need to get back to two feet…but It’s gonna hurt like a bitch.

This whole experience has definitely taken a toll on my outlook.  I’m just angry, annoyed and pessimistic.  I don’t know why it’s been so hard to hold a space of gratitude and healing.  I mean, cancer was a breeze compared to this.  I know that sounds assholish…but shit.

I suppose  the one good thing that has come out of this is that I am now being followed by two bunion foot fetish dudes on my Instagram.  So I guess there is that?  Cause I’m not having the other foot done now.  I definitely do not want to go through this again.

No fucking way.  Fuck that.