Move Your Feet


Not much has been going on since my last treatment of Hyper Cvad.  Well nothing medical.

I started maintenance and everything seems to be ok.  Though I do still feel tired at times, but not the extent of what it once was. ( Go Hemoglobin!)

Other than the fatigue and my liver enzymes being slightly elevated from the oral chemo, (which I was told to stop for a few days to see if they level out or if they need to adjust the dosage.) I’ve been doing pretty good.

Actually really pretty good.

As per previous bitch and whine fests, I am still “cleaning up” cancer’s shit fest, and expect I will be cleaning up for some time.

As fleeting as it is, time is all I have these days.

I’ve been trying to incorporate some work out activity, but I’ve noticed that my legs feel stiffer when I move.  I walk with the gait of a 80 year old who has just had a hip replacement.  The backs of my ankles just feel tight and strained and unwilling to bend to the fluidity that is needed to put one foot in front of the other and walk.  It’s as if all of a sudden I am living out my nightmares of not being able to move.  More specifically, to walk.  Those dreams of feeling like my feet are cemented to the ground and it takes every ounce of will to lift them.  However, in real life I push those damn legs to do what they were evolved to do.  Move.

Because of the intensity and severity of the chemo, lack of bone density and osteoporosis has began to show in my femurs.  A regiment of Vitamin D has been added to my cache of pills I have to take on the daily.

I have been trying to incorporate more physical activities to my day.  Working out specifically or walking, though the dedication and discipline of the work outs are not sticking.  Some days I’m on it….other days I’m just too tired and would much rather lay on the couch reading and eating a box of Milk Duds.

And Milk Duds aren’t doing anything for my ass and thighs.

I’ve been hooping here and there, but nothing of great extent.  My body still feels heavy when I try to perform certain moves.  My legs especially.

Even though I have grown quite distasteful towards my physical appearance, I have decided to join in my troupe’s upcoming burlesque show.  I won’t be doing a hooping number, as I am no where up to par with my hoop abilities, so I will be doing a traditional bumps and grinds number.  I’m actually quite excited about the idea of the number, so I hope I can execute it in a fun, silly and flirty way.

Now if I could just get excited about my stomach, butt & thigh ripples, that would be even awesomer.





The Condition My Condition is in or Susie Sparkles Spring 2012!

The weather has been absolutely amazing for this time of year.  Normally around this time, Northern Ohio is still in the icey grips of winter, or some other cold, rainy wet bullshit, but today the forecast calls for around 80 degrees and sunny, so the urge to get outdoors and be active is immediate.

I’m tired.  My body is incredible sore.  I suspect crappy bones at the core of my physical malaise.

I went for a hike last Saturday.  It was nothing strenuous, but since then my ankles have been bitching about having to move and support my body in an upright position.  It feels like an enormous amount of effort is needed in order to walk.  It’s like I am trudging through cement.

I wanted to do a “Susie” video (Susie being my alter hoop ego) since I haven’t done one in forever.

Susie is just a crazy hoop gal who runs around hooping and what not, documenting her progress.

She came about when a friend of a friend kept calling me Susie (even though I told him my name like a million times) Eventually I just got to the point where I just went with it.  (“Yeah, my name is Susie.)

(Susie two years ago.  Go Susie!)

(Side note, I will also tell drunk/scary/gross guys who try and pick me up in bars that my name is Susie as well.  I dunno why, but it cracks me up.)

I went out on my lunch break and set up my camera and just messed around with my hoop for a min or two and took about maybe 3 videos.

I hate everyone of them.

BLECH.  I hate my hair.

So I thought, well, it’s a nice day, I’ll just go to the park after work and try again.

I get to the park, set myself up in a nice grassy area and proceed to warm up.  But I can feel the stiffness in my legs.  They just don’t want to move. I can barely shimmy the hoop back up from my knees.  I kick off my shoes. . .this helps for a bit, and then I am back to struggling with the shimmying.

Try as I might, I stumble.  I trip.  I about fall over.  I am at the park for about a half hour when I just give up, because I know my legs are tired and done.

I’m extremely agitated. I am depressed.  I feel incredibly fat and bloated from winter.  I want to work off the hibernation fat so I can look svelte and foxy for next month’s Burlesque show.

Some of it may be from the inactivity, but I haven’t been a total sloth all winter.

I know in part, my impatience for speed and grace for movement is something I constantly have to work though.  Considering my condition.  I need to be less impetuous.

But I don’t like living as someone with a “condition”.  I know it could be worse.  I am very fortunate, I can walk and do stuff, but I constantly live in a state of achy-ness. Some days it’s easier to push it out of your head and not notice, and other days it’s like Jesus!  What am I?  Like 80?

Cause that is how I feel 90% of the time.

I’ve bitched about this before, so I am gonna stop here. But damn. I don’t like getting older.  Physically.

It blows.