A Matter of Time.

The thing about cancer is that it always looms.  Even when you beat it to it’s core, there is still that worry that it will spring forth new life and wreck havoc again.

I feel anxious and jittery these days.   For many reasons actually.  But this has been one that sits with me, compelling me to do so much more with the time I have been given, because you never know.  You just never know.


It is something that has become acutely aware within me.  I fear that there is not much left.

Everyone else sits calmly.   I can not.   They seem content with the motions.  Or in no hurry.  Priorities elsewhere.  Meanwhile, time…life, is slipping by.

If not now then when?



Catchin up

I have so much that I want to post and yap about, though lack of time and resources have been a major factor as to why I haven’t.

I don’t have a computer these days, so the past several posts of mine have been hurridly thrown together and typed up on my phone. 

I used to be able to jot stuff down here and there at my old gig and then just copy and paste, or email to myself to be posted at a later time.  But not this new gig.  They monitor EVEYTHING.  Every key stroke.  And even if I could jot here and there, there would be no way I could save what I’ve written.  Or email it to myself.  Cause that is considered a big no no as well.  So as of late, I have been writing.  Like actual pen to paper.  So there are quite a few subjects, rants and other retardness that I have been thinking about . . . I just need to get them all on here. 

Problem is, I just don’t feel like it once 5 o’clock hits.  I just want to go home and not think. And not spend the next 3 hours typing on my phone. 

God that place sucks the soul out of me.

I have tried regurgitating a few posts during my lunch. . .sitting in my cold ass car for the half hour that is alotted to me. . . but like I sad, I feel rushed.  So most of what has been posted here feels to me, to be all gobbley dee gunk and not put together well, thought wise.

I can tell you that my life as of late has become quite sedative and uneventful.  I haven’t hooped in god knows how long.  It’s sad.  I haven’t done yoga in god knows long.  In fact I haven’t done anything really to nurture my being.  Why?  because I have been so bogged down by this stupid ass job, and trying to get the fuck out of it, which has been proving to be quite difficult.

All I know is that I need to do something with myself.  And soon.  The fact that I am growing older isn’t sitting well with me either.  And while yes, I am young compared to some. . . in my head, there is this constant anxiety that this will all go by so fast and then what?

I just don’t feel there is much time left.

I have no idea where this anxiety is stemming from.  Or why it came about.  But here it is. 



I feel very anxious these days….frightened at the moment.
I know the situation will not change, no matter how much I wish for things to be different.
My theme for this life…acceptance of what I can not change.
And right now it feels like I can’t change much of anything.

Hey.  Hey you….if you’re still lurking around….He’s trying to make contact with her…maybe you already know….I hope that things don’t go about how they did last time.
Hope at least one of us has a chance at Happily Ever After.