Live Life!

I don’t come here much anymore.

More so than in the past I am finding it very hard to find the words to express what it is I feel and think in a way that does not make me sound like a neanderthal.  “Me good.  Me happy.  Me eat pizza” …Though I am not sure if neanderthal’s actually had the capability of such language…or pizza for that matter.  Well, I definitely know they didn’t have pizza, but I digress.

My thoughts get lost along the way to the tips of my fingers that long to type them out and breathe them into some sort of physical existence.

Life is good.  Really good.

I am in remission.  Finally.

Well, let me go back.   I’ve been in remission since after my first round of Hyper CVAD, however, as of this past June, I am officially OFFICIALLY….In remission.  Meaning no more chemo in whatever form.  No maintenance, no nothing.

My last bone marrow biopsy came back clean.  My Oncology team was super happy.  I’ve done extremely well.  I only have to come see them now every three months.

I have spent this past summer really trying to “live life”.   This has been my new mantra.  I like to yell it and throw my hands up in the air like I’m on a roller coaster.  Very metaphorical.

I’ve gone on trips, attended events, spent time with loved ones and appreciated every…single…moment.

Because folks, it’s all about the NOW.  and GRATITUDE.

I jumped into Burlesque with a fire and determination to, well, not suck at it.  I’ve had quite a few ladies in my town really light the fire under my ass too really be creative, to really let go, and to really just own it.  I don’t want to be another faceless burlesquer in this city, (though I have a feeling that I still probably am.)  However, I know that when I leave the stage after performing, I have put on one hell of a number and the audience has really enjoyed it.  They may not remember my name per se, but they will remember that girl who threw out the tootsie rolls or had the giant googly eyes on her ass.

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I’m letting go of hooping.  Meaning, that I don’t feel it has a purpose in my life anymore. I have such conflicting feelings about this, but at this time, the feeling of disappointment, frustration and exhaustion that I feel inside the hoop outweighs the feels of freedom, connection and spirituality.  (I mean, I had felt enough of that going through cancer.) I just feel like I can’t keep up with all that is happening in the hooping community.  My body feels like it will never be able to re-learn what it once knew yet alone learn all these flippity doo’s, escalators, and off body spastic spinny spins. It’s such a shift in mindset, because I never hooped to “impress”, yet it seems like there is such pressure for there to be.   It’s a new generation of Look at Me!

Where’s the flow?

Ehhh, whatever.  Maybe I’m just old.  Get off my lawn!

I’m sure at some point I’ll probably pick it up again.   Cause that’s what I do.  I hardly ever just quit something.  Entirely.

So that’s basically it.  For now.

Doing my thing.

Living life.

 

 

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Nose to the Glue Gun

I taped my Burlesque pasties back on this past September.

I wouldn’t say I am in full on Foxy mode, as I have yet to incorporate the hoop back into new numbers, or perform older numbers.

Hooping is still quite cumbersome and trying.

The effort to actually….jump…even a few inches.. is akin to the feeling of twenty pound weights tied around ones ankles.

It doesn’t help my on going problem of balance and stability.

So sans hoop I have been going.

I will say though that my costuming has improved quite a bit.  Not to say that I had shitty costumes before, but the effort for me…on some things were a few ruffles sewn in here and there.

One of the biggest appeals of burlesque for me was all the glitter, sparkley, fluffy, shiny fun things one could wear.   (You basically can wear anything.  That old potato sack?  Couch cover?  Dining room curtains? Pot holders?  Just throw some glitter on it.  Good to go.)

I have become best friends with my glue gun.  (And pretty much burned the fingerprints off my fingers.)

For my Troupe’s Vegas show I put together two showgirl looks…..

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Ok it’s hard to tell really and I didn’t get a good picture of me looking Vegasy…but you get the idea.  Definitely more bling going on.

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Bling!

 

I did a real cute number where I was trying to get this man to notice me while we were waiting for our bus to Vegas.  Coyly flirting at first, then as my subtle advances fell on uninterested eyes, I would punch it up a notch with more lascivious moves and then burying the mans face in my bosoms.  (The man kindly played by my fiance…as I don’t think he would have approved of me motor boating some other dude….and not that I would want to motorboat some other dude.)  I would post the video, but it was during this performance I had my very first pastie pop.   Took me a whole good five seconds to realize it as well.  So, there you go world.  You got some nipple from me.  Ehh whatever. I wasn’t that bent about it.

Our Halloween show, I took a more..bizarre road?

I definitely wanted to up the creep factor.  So this is what I came up with.

 

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I’m not really sure how this one went over with the crowd.  Personally, I thought it was creepy.  I busted out my poi, which is something I hadn’t done in a loooooooong while.  And let me just say, spinning poi in a poofy crinoline skirt is not easy.

Overall I am pretty proud of this one.  I feel it’s pretty unique, to my local scene anyway.

You can see the video to that here: Foxy Moon Halloween

No pastie pop there, though I do have a moment to make sure everything is intact. 🙂

 

The last show I did for the year was a Heavy Metal Food drive for our local food bank.   Our troupe did a improve-ish group number.  I dressed as an elf and made the whole group reindeer pasties, because honestly….how could I not??  They were so F’n cute and fun.

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Move over Rudolph.

 

There you have it.  Or there I have it.  My getting back into the waters of burlesque.  I’ve got some down time till next April, and I’ve got some more silly ideas.  I would like to get back to hooping.  I know that I could.  It just takes time and discipline.  Yet the whole ordeal with cancer has made me very flippant towards anything that requires “hard” work.  I mean, I just worked hard on beating a fucker of a disease and pretty much, oh you know, not dying.  I’m not really ready, nor want to do battle with learning how to hoop all over again.  But I know I will, because I can feel it calling to me.  I may never be the best hooper in the world.  Shit, I may not ever be a decent hooper again, but something inside me loves it to much to just walk away and be done with it for good.

I just don’t want to deal with that struggle right now.

 

It’s Been a Minute.

Per the norm I really haven’t felt like writing much.  Again, I have found myself in that space where there are all kinds of things I could yap about but….am too lazy to actually execute.

Life has been pretty good.

Pretty damn good.

This year has been filled with quite of lot of shows spaced out in a comfortable time line.  Meaning that I haven’t been pulling my hair out trying to come up with routines.  I’ve also got enough of them in the bank that I can now just pull from the archives.

With that said, it still isn’t all easy peasy lemon squeezy.

I still get those loops of utter disappointment when I don’t nail something I have done a thousand times before.

Case in point.

I recently did my booty swing number a few weeks ago for a local Burlesque show.

I’ve done this number quite a bit, and have always pretty much rocked it.  However this particular night, as I went to kick the hoop up and catch it around my waist, my projectory and force was off….and the hoop went nowhere.  I was stunned for a second as the hoop clumsily lifted only an inch and wobbly flopped back down on the floor.  And this is only 30 seconds in.  However, the show must go on.

Try as I might to gain the momentum back i just couldn’t.  My next fumble was losing total control of the hoop during a chest roll and watching it roll away from me and almost off the stage into the audience.

Talk about being Mortified.

Again, can’t let that stop the number.  I just ran after it like an idiot smiling and laughing and carried on.

After it was all said and done…..I just wanted to cry.

I was in a good funk about it for two days after.

The kicker was I had practiced both these parts not more than 30 mins before going on stage and nailed them every time.

Stupid law of probability.

*sigh*

All and all it hasn’t been that disapointing of a performing year.

Earlier this year I was nominated Fan favorite at another local burlesque show, which was pretty cool.  I finally came up with a Twin Peaks number that I had floating around in my head for the past few years (and I have to say, it was probably my BEST number ever due to how freaking relaxed I was. ….**Mental Note ….JUST RELAX!!**)

The troupe that I am a part of put on a huge benefit show to raise money for a local Women & Children’s shelter, raising over $1,4000…which if you ask me, isn’t too shabby.

I’ve been asked to come and perform with other local groups and events…

And there is still more on the horizon.

http:// https://youtu.be/EGwyZmeBegU

Sometimes the Bar Eats You…. So Bite It Back.

I’ve been absolutely horrible at keeping up with this blog. 

I’m just super lazy.

Well… I mean I’ve been doing stuff. I’ve been dedicating my time to other things, like hanging out with other people, ummm… Sleeping… Catching up on the tv’s …. Really taking the time for some cold chilling.  (Literally and figuratively speaking.  It’s been cold as a mofo lately.)

OK.  I’ve been lazy.  :p

The time for my much needed break from burlesque-ing and hooping is coming to a close.  I have a show in two weeks and another in about a month.  Then after that, the troupe starts back up for another season.

I had really wanted to use my time off to just sort of re-group.  Get my head and heart space right.  Come back feeling fresh and full of ideas. 

I got nothing.

I shouldn’t say I don’t have anything.  Actually I do.  I do have ideas… I’ll even go as far as to call them visions…. It’s the execution and my lack of confidence that is still tripping me up.

I should have been practicing these past months, but the disappointment I feel most times when I step inside my hoop really keeps me from wanting to pick it up. 

The minute I touch my hoop with the thought of creating some sort of routine immediately makes me tense.

So I have been sort of avoiding my hoop.

I have this problem of being incredibly hard on myself, which then leaves me feeling discouraged right from the get go.

I really need to let go of these high expectations and just flow.  Have fun.  Enjoy the process. 

More times than often, I will beat myself up because I feel stagnant and lackluster. Too repetitive. Or I lack the skills to pull off ideas. I berate myself and grow even more irate over messing up the simplest of moves.

I have set such a high bar for myself that just thinking about it makes me tired, and I just don’t want to deal with it.

I had hoped that by now I would have learned to relax.  Learned to breathe out those expectations, and get back to why it was I started performing.

I mean, I may not be the best …. But as long as I have fun with it, then who cares right? 

Yet I strive for this level of excellence that I already know my body can’t handle. 

I’m not sure what to do. 

I’ve never been really good at showing myself forgiveness.  I know part of that stems from my bone disorder, and my stubbornness to not let it rule what I can and cannot do.
But you know, I can’t bend the way certain hoopers do.  I don’t have the balance or certain coordination.  I didn’t study dance growing up.  My body was just not built that way.  It is what it is, and I really need to come to accept this in regards to my performing. 

That is exactly why I started this journey.  The reason why I got into burlesque and hooping.  To learn to love my imperfections and embrace the beauty in them. To learn to be comfortable in own skin.

If I can’t convey that to others, then I really have no business being on that stage. After all, for me, that is what burlesque is. Owning your sexuality, your being and embracing every part of it.

I feel I’ve fallen so far away from that place of self acceptance…and have gotten stuck in this wretched cycle of superficialities. 

Blah. It hasn’t been easy to break out of this thinking. This way of feeling.

If I truly want to keep pursuing this avenue of performing, I really need to get over myself.

So that’s how I’ve been feeling. Now to recognize and take action…. And to be more forgiving.

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Bumps and grinds

I’ve attempted many times to sit down and catch up on all that’s been going on, but most days I just don’t have the energy.

So far my whole summer has been burlesque…burlesque…and burlesque.

If I’m not doing a show, I’m pulling my hair out coming up with new routines.  If I’m not coming up with new routines, I’m rehearsing and practicing the old ones.  If I’m not practicing, then it’s coming up with costumes, which usually means that some form of sewing or glueing of feathers and sequins is involved.

It’s kind of taken over my life.

I mean I still manage to have some sort of social life, but not to the extent I would like.  It feels like everything has to be crammed in around my burlesque life.

I was hoping for a summer filled with lots of the outdoor activities I daydream and long for all winter.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case.  And summer is slipping away.

But it’s not all bitch and moaning.

I’ve been well received by the crowds. Was able to perform with other talented gals and guys in incredible venues, and
I have had some break throughs  with my hooping.

I can now pull my leg out and get it back in, even if it’s just for a few rotations on the one leg….and even though I’m just hooking the hoop with my ankle and kind of tossing it back up on my leg. It’s a start. I found this really good tutorial that helped sort of nail it down for me… Keeping the legs closer together….as all well respected women should. :p.

http:// Begin near Hula Hoop Tricks Vol. 3: One Leg Hooping: http://youtu.be/SQ-gPGFpBvc.

I’ve also been working on escalator moves….which are relatively easy and give off the illusion of bring super tricksy.

That’s the thing though, which I have really been struggling with.

I’m not a tricksy hooper. I wouldn’t even say I’m an ” expert” hooper. I’m a slow learner. My coordination is not stealth. My balance is askew. I have to work a little harder to get down some moves…which most of the time leads to great frustration because hooping all tricksy like doesn’t come easy to me.

I’m not putting my skills down. I’m just acknowledging what I feel needs work.

I’m sure if I didn’t have to work a full time job and didn’t have other interests, or a social life I could be a tricky hooper….but I do. I gotta pay the bills. There is more than just hooping.

I guess I just need to learn to be forgiving of myself, relax and trust in my abilities.

After all…that’s one of the reasons I decided to embark down this path.

And where else can one dance around in LED pasties?

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Birthday Month Recap.

Boy oh boy!  Things have just been busy busy busy….moving moving moving!

I had two posts now sitting in draft status from a few weeks ago and just haven’t had the time to see them to fruition.   Not only that but they just don’t seem relative as they were from a few weeks ago, and a bit long winded.
So Here’s a quick recap.

May came and went like a flash.  It was my birthday month…yes…month…as I took as many dates as possible to spend with as many of my loves ones that I could.  Getting everyone together for one big hooray was like herding cats.  Schedules and what not.  So each weekend was spent with as many people as I could fit in.  After all, that’s all I really wanted.

I got to spend a weekend away in a cabin, while also celebrating some other friend’s birthdays.  I got to hot tub and eat like it was gluttonfest 2014.  I hiked old familiar places and made new memories (or layering the past as I like to call it.) 

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I got to do my mini burlesque tour and had the opportunity to perform in different cities.  My performances were met well and the crowds seemed to dig what I did.

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I met new friends and incredibly awesome people.  I had the opportunity to be invited to hang out with an up and coming burlesque troupe and shown around their practice/performance space which used to be an old nunnery.  (Which REALLY tickled the urban explorer in me.)

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I laughed a lot and absolutely loved every minute of hanging out and traveling with my group.  I can’t tell you how worried I was that personalities would clash or people not being on the same page about things.  Not the case.

I also got to attend a day of MOVEMENT, which is like the kick off to DEMF in Detroit.  It’s a pretty big electronic music festival, where I got to listen to the sounds of Green Velvet, DJ Marky and Ed Rush & Optical.  (I’m a DnB gal at heart.)

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All that was followed by a boat ride,  a ride out to bald eagle nesting spot, and a day of swimming and walking around a historical naturey spot.

My actual birthday was in there too.  It was the Sunday I came back from my burlesque tour and pretty much the big reason why I had to split everything up, but I was still able to have a small gathering at the local watering hole.  It was just an evening of playing guilty pleasures on the juke box and again laughing.

It was an incredibly excellent month.  I am so grateful for all of the friends and loved ones I was able to connect and spend time with.   I am so thankful for the experiences and adventures.  The generosity.  My heart is so full and everyday I am just washed with the knowing and appreciation of how truly blessed I am to have the people in my life. 

So there you have it. 
The short version.  😛

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Birthday Burlesque-ing

I’m getting ready to embark on a weekend “burlesque” tour to some neighboring cities.

Recently, I have just been asked to rejoin the burlesque troupe I have been performing with as a guest here and there.

I’m not sure if I ever delved into the story of my relationship with the group or not, but long story short, I was an original member, I couldn’t make all the meetings due to transportation issues,  was asked to just be a guest performer because my lack of attendance was “threatening” the unity of the group, and now…I am a member again.  (Though I still don’t see how my lack of physical presence at all weekly meetings reeeeeally affected the group dynamic….I was still active online.)

Anyways, So here I am…rock you like a hurricane.  A featured performer.

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I’m hoping that this time around, things will be better.

It’s also my birfday this Sunday. 

Birthdays are incredibly important for me.  Not because I particularly like all the attention and focus being on me me me….but because I see them as reminders of the commitment we made to the lives we have embarked upon, and the paths we have crossed with others.

A day of the utmost gratitude and recognition. (Though don’t get me wrong…every day should be a day of gratitude.)

Life, even with all it’s good beautiful moments, is still pretty tough at times.  Our souls are facing great challenges.  It’s not easy.  And hopefully we will be able to overcome our challenges and evolve into even better versions of ourselves.

Because to me…that’s the point of life.  The constant learning towards the perfecting of one’s soul.  Life ain’t no chump school…Annie said it best…This is hard knocks.

So when birthday’s roll around, it’s kind of a big deal.  People should stop being modest.  They should pat themselves on the back.  They should feel entitled to a little praise, love, adoration and thanks. 

You’ve earned it.  You’ve SURVIVED this far.  You have taken on great challenges.  And hopefully learning a thing or two.

It doesn’t even need to be a day of birthday cakes and presents….though cake is always nice.  :). Just that simple recognition of hey, you know what….I’m still here…and that says a lot.

I dunno folks.  It makes me sad when I hear from people about how their day is just another day to them…that it doesn’t really matter.

It does matter.
Because you matter.
So do it up. You’re allowed to. You deserve to. And while you’re at it…do it up for me too. 😛

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