Jackyl

A lot of time has passed since I’ve last posted (Does anyone read this anyways?)

So much time in fact, that I am nearing the one year anniversary of my “D” day.

The day I was diagnosed with cancer.

 

It’s a strange feeling.

There are times when I am at the cancer center for a check up or blood work, and I am transported back in time when my life revolved around those hospital stays.

It makes me almost feel lost again.

The thought of me getting back to “life” somehow feels adrift.  There is this feeling that I should be on my way back up to the third floor for another round of treatment.  Another week of lasix, heavy chemo, and major fatigue.

Funny what you get used to when you bitch about not wanting to get used to something.

Maintenance has been slow going.  Every two weeks I am pulled off of something due to my white blood cell count being to low still, or my liver enzymes being to elevated.  At the present moment I am on nothing.  Which worries me slightly that I will have to stay on maintenance longer than anticipated, but my Oncologist assures me that I am doing just fine and not to worry.

And really, I’m not all that worried.  But it does sit in the back of my mind.  That all the progress I’ve made in the past few months, could be taken away from me once again.  Just like that.  One day I will wake up and there will be the petechiae all over my legs.  The incredible fatigue that was once so encapsulating.  The ache in my joints that left me immobile.  Being dumped on death’s doorstep once again.

Ok.  So I was never on the doorstep.  More like on the block.  But I got the fuck out of there, and I know I would get the fuck out of there again if I had to.  But I’m not going back there.

Ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going Home- Cancer Can Suck a Dick

I just got word that I am to go home today.

I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I feel at this moment.

This news is quite bittersweet considering the past week was a rough one.  I mean, I told myself when I first got in here, that I would be home no later than the first week of December.   There would be no ifs ands or buts.

It’s only a small reprieve, as I must report back next Tuesday to start my second round of chemo, but it won’t be anything like it was this first go around.  Only a week stay and then I get to go home…repeat another 21 days later…..( 21 days later…Isn’t that a zombie movie??  Hmmmm…..wait a minute….)

The question of whether I need a bone marrow transplant is still up in the air, as my genetics are a bit funky.

I carry half the gene for this Philadelphia chromosome.  Philadelphia Chromosome

They aren’t quite sure what the implications for this will mean.   Will half the gene make it resistant to treatment?  Will having half of it make it more likely for this disease to come back?  They aren’t sure.  A week ago they were all gung ho about the transplant.  Making it sound like it was a must do.   Safety precaution.  Now it seems they want to just stick with the chemo and see what happens.   There’s an extra boost of chemo they can give that they also feel will knock it out.  I should be more involved with the logistics on this, this is important stuff….but all I can think about right now are cheeseburgers.

But in spite of all that, today is the best I’ve felt in a while.  Sadly (?) I ate a whole box of Dots candy.  I mean…cause I can.  A few days ago I couldn’t.  And I get to go home.  And eat all the foods.

All.  The. Foods.