Maybe We Don’t Need to Love Ourselves First. | elephant journal

I love this.

Some good points to consider.

When I was in my last relationship, a lot of people would point or that I needed to love myself more… To respect myself more… It was never that I didn’t.  Sure I probably deserved better…. But I didn’t stay for as long as I did due to lack of self worth.

I stayed longer because of my knowing of my worth…. Which I consider to be great.  Why he didn’t “see” it or “get” it was beyond me.  At the time I was hell bent on proving my awesomeness to someone who didn’t give a shit how awesome I was or not….. Because it was never about me…. It was always about them.

Anyways, I may have gone off track… But… I always find that I learn the most about myself when I find myself in a relationship.  Its those challenges of learning to love in a mature and healthy way.  Learning how to be compassionately honest with someone   Learning to trust and be outside of yourself, and of course the intimate vulnerability of placing all that in the hands and heart of another.

It’s then we find those parts of ourselves


Birthday Month Recap.

Boy oh boy!  Things have just been busy busy busy….moving moving moving!

I had two posts now sitting in draft status from a few weeks ago and just haven’t had the time to see them to fruition.   Not only that but they just don’t seem relative as they were from a few weeks ago, and a bit long winded.
So Here’s a quick recap.

May came and went like a flash.  It was my birthday month…yes…month…as I took as many dates as possible to spend with as many of my loves ones that I could.  Getting everyone together for one big hooray was like herding cats.  Schedules and what not.  So each weekend was spent with as many people as I could fit in.  After all, that’s all I really wanted.

I got to spend a weekend away in a cabin, while also celebrating some other friend’s birthdays.  I got to hot tub and eat like it was gluttonfest 2014.  I hiked old familiar places and made new memories (or layering the past as I like to call it.) 



I got to do my mini burlesque tour and had the opportunity to perform in different cities.  My performances were met well and the crowds seemed to dig what I did.


I met new friends and incredibly awesome people.  I had the opportunity to be invited to hang out with an up and coming burlesque troupe and shown around their practice/performance space which used to be an old nunnery.  (Which REALLY tickled the urban explorer in me.)


I laughed a lot and absolutely loved every minute of hanging out and traveling with my group.  I can’t tell you how worried I was that personalities would clash or people not being on the same page about things.  Not the case.

I also got to attend a day of MOVEMENT, which is like the kick off to DEMF in Detroit.  It’s a pretty big electronic music festival, where I got to listen to the sounds of Green Velvet, DJ Marky and Ed Rush & Optical.  (I’m a DnB gal at heart.)


All that was followed by a boat ride,  a ride out to bald eagle nesting spot, and a day of swimming and walking around a historical naturey spot.

My actual birthday was in there too.  It was the Sunday I came back from my burlesque tour and pretty much the big reason why I had to split everything up, but I was still able to have a small gathering at the local watering hole.  It was just an evening of playing guilty pleasures on the juke box and again laughing.

It was an incredibly excellent month.  I am so grateful for all of the friends and loved ones I was able to connect and spend time with.   I am so thankful for the experiences and adventures.  The generosity.  My heart is so full and everyday I am just washed with the knowing and appreciation of how truly blessed I am to have the people in my life. 

So there you have it. 
The short version.  😛





Say You’ll Remember.

I’m a little obsessed with this song.  I make no apologies.  I find it very catchy.

When I 1st heard it the few dozen times or so, I was under the impression that she was talking about a boy, who was different from her, but that was the attraction and she hoped that they could get together.

Not too far off…..

I even thought she was singing “Say you’ll be my boyfriend….Say you’ll be my boy.” In the chorus.
Ummm….very far off. (She’s actually saying “Say you’ll remember.”)

I went and looked up the lyrics, and it was almost heartbreaking. 
I’m not going to go through my interpretation of the lyrics, because I think song lyrics are always subjective, but I feel that anyway you look at the story she tells, it’s one of loving someone wholly and unconditional, the hurt and  desperation of losing them and the longing of being reunited with them.

“I will love you till the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine, Baby can you see through the tears?
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember oh baby ooh
I will love you till the end of time”

Yes…yes.  I feel this.  Despite all the shit…..Even the silly reference to the bitches before…..I still feel this.

I Did It My Way…

I totally lost my shit last night.

Not like an actual poop.. cause who’s walking around…err..nevermind.

I acted on pure emotion, and now I feel like shit.  Not like the actual mushy substance that comes from your butt…..damn it…moving on.

I’ve been struggling with the perceived realities that have been presented to me….and the ones I have created.  Truths can be relative.

Regret.  I’m living with a huge boulder of regret.
I try not to regret….In the words of Sinatra, “Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.”

The regret of taking love for granted.  The selfish path I took instead of just being honest. 
I was the real coward.


My attempts for the quest of truth have only lead me back to holding the proverbial mirror to my own self.

I sort of feel like Cate Blanchette in the shitty Indiana Jones movie about the crystal skull bullshit….spoiler alert …..when she finally is given the opportunity to know EVERYTHING…and her head explodes because it’s all too much to handle. 


That is how I feel.  I wanted to know.  Now I do.  And it sucks knowing what I know.

Maybe ignorance truly is bliss…..then again…who wants to walk around being the fool?

Where’s the happy medium?

Anyways.  Yeah. 
Karma.  I get it.



*sigh* So True. So True.


30 Day Song Challenge: Uh oh.

Day 28 – A song that reminds you of your boyfriend/girlfriend (if you don’t have one, make one up :])

Welp, for awhile it was this one.


Now it’s this.

It’s been a rocky ride.

That’s all I can say.




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