2012. . . Time to Let Go.

2011, what can I say?  To be quite honest, I can’t seem to find the words to describe this past year.  I had started out so optimistic and hopeful, and somewhere along the way, it all turned into a big fat fuck you 2011.

 

It was not an easy year.  I had deemed this year to be the year of living authentically, but as I sit back and recollect on this year’s experiences and of my attitude and behavior towards them, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of failure.  Did I live each moment authentically?  Did I approach this year as my true self?  I’m not sure.

I think a lot of my disappointments were due to expectations I placed on myself and where I “thought” I should be.  There were things that I desperately wanted, and well, I guess the Universe thought differently.  And instead of looking at those disappointments with a more open frame of mind and acceptance of change, I sulked and grew resentful.

And in some ways I also feel that I may have “watered” myself down so as to not upset or make others uncomfortable due to their own perceptions and insecurities.  There were also times were I just felt so defeated and tired that i didn’t really feel like putting forth the energy to lift myself up.

 

That is not me.

 

2011 also brought along a great riff, and in my eyes, an insurmountable gap amongst the heart and soul of some of the people I was most close to.  Petty differences and opinions seemed to have torn everyone apart, and that sense of family and belonging no longer exists there.  It makes me extremely sad.  People who once were regulars at each other’s homes, sharing meals and couches, friends who once offered shoulders to cry on and words of encouragement seem to be lost and or forgotten in lieu of the over sensitivity to the humanness of one another.  Personal agendas seemed to have taken precedence over the overall well being of the community. 

 

We are better than that.

 

It was also towards the end of this year that I lost a major presence in our family.  His passing was quite unexpected.  It wasn’t that I and this individual were exceptionally close, but he was always there, in the back ground, and looking back there was a sort of comfort in knowing that. . . and I took that for granted.  Because now he is gone, and the fallibility of life has smacked me right in the face.  It is short, and I want to experience as much of it as possible. . . and not take anything or anyone for granted. 

 

 

It’s not to say that all of 2011 was a big fail.  There was goodness.  Independence gained.  Reconnection with souls of my past, whom I couldn’t have been more grateful to have back in my life again.  A deepening bond between my family.  A strengthening of love and a great recognition of appreciation for individuals who have never left my side, nor doubted the spark with in me, and who have only encouraged me to shine.  Where would I be without such love and support? 

 

I normally extend one word or phrase to the following year, something to focus on.  However, so many words come to mind when I think of what I would like to see come of 2012.  (despite it’s rumors of end of times) Words such as acceptance, patience, tolerance, steadiness, thoughtfulness, . . . and breath.  I feel after experiencing a bit of loss this past year, that it only makes sense to breathe.  Just breathe it all out.  And start anew.

 

So perhaps 2012 will be for me, Letting Go.  To just let go of all the negative shit.  To let go of all those preconceived notions and expectations I carry.  To let go of all the hurt and disappointment.  To accept change, even when it’s uncomfortable and fortuitous.  To really push myself to be an even more awesome person.  (for that truly is what I do strive to be)   To flow with the stream and not against.   To look at everyone around me with acceptance and kindness and to once again see the wonderment and laughter in life.

And while there may be so much that I miss, there is still so much yet to come. 

Tumor and The Hoop.

Last night I went to jam after a maybe 2 mo hiatus. Due to my rehearsal schedule, I have not had a chance to attend any of the jams which are held regularly by our local flow group every Thursday each week.

I gotta say, I can barely move today. I am so incredibly sore and stiff. Last night it hit me just how out of “hoop” shape I am. It’s kind of depressing me.

I have a bone condition called Osteochondromatosis, or MHE which stands for Multiple Hereditary Extosis. What this means is that I get boney growths, or spurs, around the joints of long bones. So basically I have tumors. They’re not cancerous, and this is something that I have since I was 2. It’s a genetic condition, however, I am the only one in my family to have this, making me a spontaneous mutation.

I’ve had so many surgeries since the age of 12 to remove large tumors that started to grow too large (largest one I had removed was about the size of my fist) or if they started to impede movement/press on nerves.

I’m not getting any younger, and I have no idea how this disorder will affect me as I grow older. When 1st diagnosed I was told I would be in a wheel chair by the time I was 18. My ankles are a big problem for me as I have had the most surgeries on them. There are days where I hobble around, and at night I get horrible spasms that keep me awake.

There is no cure for this. Just the surgeries, and I am tired of going under the knife all the time. OTC pain killers are a joke, and I refuse to take hard narcotics for pain management.

I know that part of my stiffness and soreness today is from having these tumors and my joints being all out of whack, and me running around and exerting myself last night.

It really wasn’t like I was going all out either.

This depresses me. Because I don’t like anything to stand in the way of what it is I want to do. And I will be damned if I let this condition dictate to me what I can and can not do. Regardless of the activity. But it does at times. More so than I care to admit.

Which leads to last night. There was so much talent in the room last night. It was mind blowing. And I felt like there was no way I could ever be that good, because of certain limitations that have been placed on my body. And that makes me sad.
I’ve only got maybe 4 years of hooping under my belt, but last night I felt as if all the moves that I know were repetitive and that lead to me becoming bored.

I know I should pick up the hoop more and make more of an effort to learn new things and just let go and get into the “flow”, but when you’re body can only do what it can do… I feel gawky and awkward.

I dunno. I’m overly hard on myself. I should be grateful that my condition is not as bad as others who have it.

I so need a hoop-volution. and a soak in a hot tub. Goddamn my joints be achey!