Cracks

Leave the past behind….just walk away…when it’s over, and the heart breaks…..and the cracks begin to show.

I’m wearing Lipstick again.

“How long is forever?” asked Alice.  The White Rabbit replied “Sometimes forever is only an instant.”

It’s been one week with no contact.  It feels like months.

People keep saying it will get better.

It doesn’t feel better.  It feels as though I sink further and further with each passing day.

I’m trying real hard to stay busy….to keep moving.  Those moments when I stop, is when it creeps in.  I burst out sobbing over the mundane and ordinary because it sparks a memory in me of a time that was NOT mundane and ordinary.

I’ve been reading a book. 

I can only read a few pages at a time.  The similarities come jumping off the pages and punch me in the face.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
And while the evidence is “there” my heart is still looking at the slight contradictions. It wants everything to be classic text book. It cannot accept scales. It knows that he can be caring and “empathic” towards others….yet it has no answer for when my head asks why he couldn’t be that way with me.

Even though the feelings on their end are contemptuous, and they have moved on, my heart still clings to the hope.

It doesn’t want to let go.

Feeling Safe in 2014.

I’ve been putting off posting my New Year Fairy Card 2014 “Power” Theme. Mostly due to me not being able to get to a computer, annnd mostly from the personal goings on in my life.

For those just tuning in or stumbling through, I like to ask the Fairies what I can expect for the following year. What wisdom, insight or thoughts do they have for me that I should be aware of?
Stuff like that.

I also meditate on what my “power” theme or anthem for the year will be. Last year it was “Breaking Free.” Which to a huge degree I did.

I was working shitty jobs, but just recently “broke free” of the last one and landed a new one that is closer to home and pays better. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this one will work out. Regardless of how intimidated or overwhelmed I feel at the moment about learning the ins and outs of this new gig.

I am also trying to “break free” from the funk of feeling directionless in my life. I’m in the process of trying to go back to school. Things are in the works, but there have been a few setbacks here and there. Which I will probably bitch about later. However, the ball is rolling more so that it has in the past 10 years. It’s a start. A big start.

I also “broke free” from a relationship that was steeped in lies and deception. While I don’t like to get into that side of things on here too often, I will say that I don’t feel any better about “breaking free” from this person. I didn’t really want to “break free”. I was hoping that we could have fixed our fragile relationship. But it’s hard to fix something by yourself, and especially when the other person refuses to see how their own behavior played a part in the deterioration of the relationship.  I had such strong hopes that we would have pushed through our struggles and found ourselves in something that was deeper, more connected and stronger. I really wanted us to Rise above all the bullshit.
I don’t feel as though that a weight has been lifted and that I no longer have to worry or hurt over their careless actions and Narcissistic behavior. Truth is, I love this person very much, and just want them to be the good, honest, compassionate, loving person I think them to be. (And would like them to be that way with me.) But what I think doesn’t seem to hold much importance with them. In fact a lot about what I think and feel does not seem to carry an ounce of care for them.

But anyways. . . That was 2013.

So after all that Breaking Free, the Fairies have informed me that 2014 will be the year of:

Feeling Safe

Things will be ok. No matter how depressed and heartbroken I feel. No matter how stressed I may feel. No matter what comes my way. . . I will be OK. All my worries and insecurities I was holding onto, it’s ok for me to let go now. They are not serving me now. Nor did they then.
While I innately “Know” this, sometimes, I lose site of it.  It is part of walking my truth.

We will all be “ok”

If You Could Save Yourself, You’d Save Us All

This is for you. Yes you.
For I know that you have been “digging” to find something that would point the fault at me.
But we both know. . .don’t we.

No matter what it is that you tell yourself. . . how you justify it to yourself to remove any traces of blame from your shoes, It doesn’t really excuse all of the lies, deception and the hurt that has been caused.

The devastation of a heart who only wanted the love it put out in return.

And until you are able to hold that mirror up to your face. . .and take a good look at yourself, especially the parts that do not serve you in healthy ways, you will be forever stunted.

And good luck living a life as such.

Happy 2014