Last night I decided to give our weekly flow meet up a go. I’ve been really put off lately due to the type of people that have been attending. I am sure they are all good people in their own way, but because of the sense of community I had once felt so strongly in the beginning , jam, for me, now feels somewhat tainted and unappreciated by the newbies coming in. I have found that I have a low tolerance for most of them in this medium.
You see, in the beginning, I would welcome every newbie with a hello and smile. Then we might become friends on Facebook. But then I started to find that the newbies wouldn’t talk to me after that, so what would be the point of being friends on a social network, if we weren’t going to be social in the real world? I deleted a lot of people. And it began to piss me off. How can you send me a friend request, yet ignore me week after week at jam?
I learned that just because someone has a hoop, does not automatically make us friends.
It also seems that this new batch coming in, while rather young and impressionable, are in it because it’s the cool new thing to do and be. That doesn’t gel with my ideals and ethos. I can’t relate. I dare say there is an age gap. I try and remember how I was when I was that age, but I was never the one to really “follow along” looking for the next hip thing.
I feel as though, when I say all this, that I am passing judgment on all these people. It shouldn’t really matter to me why people do what they do or the reasons behind what they do. I don’t like that I think that way. I try to be the most open person there is, taking those reasons and looking for understanding. Not judgment.
Perhaps I am letting the fact that they don’t speak to me in person (or even on a social website) to influence and inflate my opinion of what I really think is going on.
See. . . . Perception.
But going back to what I had originally wanted to yap about. An old friend of mine had decided to come to jam last night (after a many month hiatus,) whom I had a falling out with. I considered her my guru, my teacher, my kindred soul. I don’t normally gel with women as well I as I had with her. Truth be told, i was elated and refreshed that I was able to find someone to pal around with and just be a “girl” with. Most of my closest friends are males, so this was a friendship I held dear to my heart. I felt accepted as a woman, by a woman. We laughed, we gossiped, we danced, we cried, we dressed up, encouraged and accepted one another. These type of female relationships for me, are so far few and inbetween.
I won’t get into why we had our falling out. (At least not now.) But, I can say that for the past few months I had been feeling very, very, very conflicted about it. I was very hurt, bitter, resentful and angry. Even though I have dealt with all that, those feelings still seep to the surface from time to time. Part of the problem with this “friendship” is that I am really having a hard time dealing with the loss. . .and whether or not I want to deal with the pain of letting her back in. I am a pretty forgiving person, easily letting people back in time and time again. It really takes a lot for me to shut the door to someone, and walk away.
Perhaps of the closeness I had with this person and how I trusted that nothing would permeate the relationship to break us apart is why it is what was so hard to deal with. We were supposed to be true “sisters” through and through. Holding the same views and values in regards to what it meant to be true real adult friends as women. We weren’t in Jr High, so petty differences and insecurities shouldn’t have gotten in the way of us being true and standing up for one another. I felt she didn’t hold up to her part of the bargain.
*sigh*
Long story short, she had apologized and admitted that she was wrong and what an asshole she was. Had she come to me and said all this a few months ago, I would have agreed whole heartedly. . . and would have pushed all the issues in her face. Now, I just don’t care that much. I mean yeah. She was wrong. But I don’t care to put any more energy into it. I have spent so much time being angry and hurt. . . I’m too tired. I have nothing left to put into that relationship. There is just emptiness.
I told her flat out I didn’t know what to say or how to even feel. So we spent the night chit chatting and making small talk, and what I like to call “making nice.” And left it that while we don’t have to be friends, she would still like to know me.
Part of me would love nothing more than to welcome her back. But a bigger part of me is weary and closed off. It’s not like I have never ended a friendship with a gal pal before. I don’t know why this has to be so difficult. I guess maybe the older you get, the more tired you get of playing games.
And as women, we should be sticking together. Not looking at each other as enemies.
I don’t think that is such an unrealistic expectation.
On another note, got in good flow time. Was really feeling myself connecting with the hoop as far as movement goes. I do at times feel a bit repetitive, so I think it’s time I look for some new moves to add and challenge myself with.
So that will be my next goal.
How Kaycee got her Flow Back. 