I have no clever title.

I haven’t been posting, because I haven’t been hooping.

 

Not only that, but I have a lot going on in my personal life.

 

There has been quite a lot of strife in my relationship with my boyfriend, and we broke up for a few days over the weekend.  I am not even sure if we are back together.  It’s all stupid and stressful and just boils down to neither one of us not trusting each other.

 

I don’t know how I feel about the whole relationship.  It seems that we never got off on a good foot.  There always seemed to be insecurities and what not.  (Mainly on his end. . but whatever)

 

But I guess over the course of time, I have really grown to love him with every ounce of my heart.  I don’t know if we’ll make it. . . I hope we do, but, as I am learning, hope is a fickle thing.  You can hope till you are blue in the face and it doesn’t mean you get what you will want.

 

 

 

I’m not even sure how to even begin to work on our issues.  It’s just a big mess.

 

I got word from the DR. that my foot is healing quite nicely.  She gave the ok for not wearing the boot all the time and for making a gradual transition back into wearing shoes.  (Though I need to wear a running shoe and they want to fit me with an insert.)

Yippee!

 

On another note, I watched a documentary on Burning Man over the weekend.  It made me miss my core group of burners/hoopers/poisters so much so, that there were parts where I found myself crying.  I found myself reminiscing all the times we hung out at each other’s houses, or events and just laughed and played and were in the moment with one another.  I so miss that.  I miss playing with my friends.  Plain and simple . . . I just miss my friends.

 

I wish things weren’t so complicated all the GD time.

 

I need a shift in perception.

 

 

 

Lastly,

I picked up my poi again and started to work on alternating hip/shoulder reels in split time.  This move has eluded me, as I can’t figure out how to bring the poi up to my shoulder. . . I can do it same time (hip/shoulder reels that is) but once I start to split time, I loose all sense of timing and smack the back of my head.

 

So I asked a friend, who is an amazing poi-ster for some pointers.  He advised, at least for him, that it was easier to try this in reverse butterfly and then work into alternating butterfly hip reels, then bring them up to your shoulders. .  . Is this making sense?  (I hope I am using the correct terms, I’ll have to do a video when I get a chance.)

I am now trying to just get a feel for my left hand to bring the poi up, drop behind my back around my left shoulder for a rotation, and then from there, letting it drop down to my waist and do a rotation.

 

So all and in all, its just getting a feel for what should be one continuous motion that involves a few steps.

 

I’ll post a video.

 

😛

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life is a Pig Stye

I haven’t posted in a while (duh) because I have been so down about life.  I am having a real hard time emotionally and spiritually speaking.  I used to be so optimistic and hopeful.  Lately these days I view the world with much disdain and pessimism.  I know in my gut that this attitude of looking at things, is so not me.  However, given that just about every belief I have had, has been shaken to its core, I am not sure how else to look at life or move forward.

The whole hope was that this summer I would once again fall into something deep and meaningful that would help me keep a slightly “peachy” outlook on life.  To help me feel in tune with the universe, even when the path it sets me on, is not the path I had hoped and intended for.  If anything, I have learned that I am a person who needs the meaning.  No matter how small and insignificant it may seem to others.

The whole breaking of my foot, really put a damper on things.  I am not so sure how to proceed.  I am not sure how to find forgiveness, let alone acceptance, in the fact that my life is nothing how I had intended or asked it to be.  And while I know, know, know, know that life isn’t about getting what you want, I was under the belief that the universe would give what is asked if you “put it out there” with great intent, thought and dedication.  I can’t help but wonder if perhaps I just wasn’t that dedicated. . . and then I start to wonder if life simply is random, and kismet, fate, destiny. . .what have you, is all just the stuff fairy tales are made of.  (However, still, from a mathematical point of view, and considering the great vastness of the universe, how could everything be so random??)

It’s not just the broken foot thing. . . I feel like once again I have found myself in a position where the people I was most close to, and leaned on for support, are breaking away.  I understand that is life.  People come and go, and I know it’s nothing personal. . . But I felt like I was just coming into my own, really discovering myself and so grateful that I had a group of like minded individuals there to help inspire me. Who were on the same “wave” length so to speak.  I finally had a good core group who “got it” and that I could relate to.  It was authentic.  It was real.

I guess I am just not ready for those good times to go away.

It sort of feels like the time right when I met my ex husband.  I had just lost a core group of friends due to a break up with a previous relationship, and clung to him desperately becoming very emotionally dependant.  Not good.   Considering the outcome of the marriage.

*sigh*

I just feel so distant from everything that I held so dear to  my heart and love so deeply.  I just want to get it all back.

I just don’t know how.

“Universe” Strikes again.

I went down to Columbia and Charleston, SC last week to visit some friends and to just get in a little R & R. I love Charleston. I have been there once before and fell completely and madly in love with that city. So I was pretty excited to go back.

However, while walking from the parking garage to the Cleveland airport terminal on our day of departure. . . I fell and fractured the top side of my foot.

I had to spend my whole vacation on crutches or hobbling around.

Talk about major disappointment. I couldn’t swim. I couldn’t chill on the beach as I had hoped, and I certainly wasn’t going to be taking long walks for site seeing.

Not only that, but I wasn’t able to hoop at all, which was something I was really looking forward to. My poor hoop just sat in its pieces in the trunk of the car. (It’s collapsible)

There were a few places that my friend took me to that I would have just loved to have busted out the hoop and felt the breeze of the ocean on my face and connected with that space.

(Battery Park)

I had to go see an Orthopedic when I got home and was told that I would have to wear a boot for the next 8-10 weeks.

This is so depressing on sooo many levels.

For one, that is the rest of my summer and probably fall. So there will be no hikes, bike riding, exploring and connecting with the outdoors. I need to run around, and for the most part I felt very stagnant this summer with not getting out as much as I had wanted.
.
It’s like I am simply going right into winter. I fucking hate winter.

And the obvious reason . . . . I can’t hoop. This defeats the whole purpose of what I had hoped to accomplish this summer with gaining insight and calm again with my hooping.

So now what do I do?

I can already feel myself becoming very depressed. I’ve cried just about every morning, and all I want to do is stay in my apartment because the struggle of just trying to get around. . . Is such a pain in the ass.

So there goes my summer. There goes my plan. Once again, the universe throws a monkey wrench into what I had wanted. Which it always seems to do. I start working towards a goal or idea and it comes in and throws up a roadblock so that I have to abandon everything I had worked towards and start all over.

It’s all a bunch of shit.