Gramaphone.

I’m burlesque-ing again. Like hardcore. Well, hardcore for me, I have already done one show, and have at least another 3 or 4 lined up.

The last performance I did, I just recycled my one number, changed it up a bit and went down to the pasties. . . which I have Never done. (out of respect to the person I was with for the past three years)

But I am not with them, so fuck it right?

The number went great. Much better than the first time I performed it. Someone had commeneted how this time around I just looked more confident and more comfortable. Strangely. . . .I did. Even while scantily clad.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I received a lot of positive feedback on how I was probably the best act out of the whole show. 🙂

My next performance will be at the end of next month and I will need to come up with two numbers. I thought about recycling old numbers again, just polishing them up, but I think I am up for the challenge of coming up with some new stuff.
I have an idea of doing something a little flapperish/1920’s, for one number.
I am thinking this one will be more dancey with maybe not removing so much clothing.
I’ve been researching a lot of dancing from the flapper era, and I have a few ideas in mind. It’s just a matter of pulling them off with a hoop.

The other number I have in mind, and I really hope I can pull it off, will be more technical, as I hope to incorporate the poi into the hoop routine. Maybe some double hoop action if I can get my hands on two hoops the same size. I tried this once before, but the hoops were different sizes annnnd it didn’t go so well.
Not only that, but I have in the works some LED surprises as far as my costume is concerned.

Feeling quite ambitious about all this. Gotta say. Feels kinda nice. Considering.

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Say You’ll Remember.

I’m a little obsessed with this song.  I make no apologies.  I find it very catchy.

When I 1st heard it the few dozen times or so, I was under the impression that she was talking about a boy, who was different from her, but that was the attraction and she hoped that they could get together.

Not too far off…..

I even thought she was singing “Say you’ll be my boyfriend….Say you’ll be my boy.” In the chorus.
Ummm….very far off. (She’s actually saying “Say you’ll remember.”)

I went and looked up the lyrics, and it was almost heartbreaking. 
I’m not going to go through my interpretation of the lyrics, because I think song lyrics are always subjective, but I feel that anyway you look at the story she tells, it’s one of loving someone wholly and unconditional, the hurt and  desperation of losing them and the longing of being reunited with them.

“I will love you till the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine, Baby can you see through the tears?
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember oh baby ooh
I will love you till the end of time”

Yes…yes.  I feel this.  Despite all the shit…..Even the silly reference to the bitches before…..I still feel this.

Love Is A Fist

Last Valentine’s Day, I was running around, scrambling to find a New England Patriot’s cap with the old school logo on it.

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I was running up short on places and time.  Seems I just missed the window for it’s popularity, but, the one I was with had mentioned how much they dug it, and how they were thinking about getting one.

I took note.

I had to ask a friend if they could use their Amazon Prime to have the hat ship expeditiously so I could have it in time.

It was sort of an annoying process, but only due to my intense want to surprise my love with a gift that they had actually expressed want in, and running down to the wire of being able to get it in time.

My want to inspire happiness within them.

Thinking back, I wonder if my beloved at that time really appreciated the effort I put in.  The thought.  The desire to make their day special. Or was it just a thought of hey cool! She got me the hat I mentioned.

It’s not like I was/am asking or looking for special recognition or an award for my “martyrdom” in my quest for this hat…..but when dating a narc, there is always this underlying doubt whether or not their partner truly does and can love them.  So while you’re doing back bends and cartwheels for them, in their heads they just keep uping the ante on what proof would “satisfy” this doubt….and of course, as we know, with narcs….there is NEVER any proof that satisfies.

Annnnnnywaaaays

I dug up some Valentine’s day facts and was quite surprised (well not really) to learn that the day actually started with the pagans.

On February 14, billets (small pieces of paper, each of which had the name of a teen-aged girl written on it) were put into a container. Teen-aged boys would then choose one billet at random. The boy and the girl whose name was drawn would become a “couple,” joining in erotic games at feasts and parties celebrated throughout Rome. After the festival, they would remain sexual partners for the rest of the year. This custom was observed in the Roman Empire for centuries.

Celebrated on February 15, Lupercalia (known as the “festival of sexual license”) was held by the ancient Romans in honor of Lupercus, god of fertility and husbandry, protector of herds and crops, and a mighty hunter—especially of wolves.

Clothed in loincloths made from sacrificed goats and smeared in their blood, the Luperci would run about Rome, striking women with februa, thongs made from skins of the sacrificed goats. The Luperci believed that the floggings purified women and guaranteed their fertility and ease of childbirth. February derives from februa or “means of purification.”

So what did we learn here today?
That pagans got their freak on. That the best intentions are often overlooked. That narcs will never trust your love for them (or reciprocate) and that Mike Patton and Mr Bungle said it best…..”Love is a Fist.”

Ego Tripping at the Gates Of Hell

Since my break up, I’ve been in quite the emotional slump.  Being in an unhealthy relationship can really suck the life out of a person. 

It’s not like I wasn’t aware either, that over the past three years I was involved with this person, that our relationship was toxic. I just held out for hope that we would somehow right ourselves, rise above our insecurities and jump from shaky ground to more sure footing.

That’s hard to do when only one person is willing to put in the work.
It’s even harder to do when one person is unwilling to look at themselves and see how they and their actions were part of the selfish bomb that was self destructing the foundation that the other was working so hard to preserve.
If someone would have said to me 3 years ago, or shoot, even 3 months ago that the person I was involved with could very well be a narcissist, I would have never of believed it.

My take on what narcissism is, and while it is part of a wide spectrum, is one where a person is so in love with themselves, that that is all they see….themselves.
Vanity Smurf was what came to my mind. 
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Vanity smurf however, was actually nice compared to most narcs.  Sure sure, his constant mirror gazing would become incredibly annoying….and while narcissism can be expressed as varying degrees along the spectrum, there are uglier versions of vanity.  Toxic versions.  Dangerous versions. 

At first it’s hard to distinguish a narc from a truly arrogant full of themselves asshole….and from what I can tell, truly arrogant full of themselves cocky sons of bitches assholes… don’t need people.
Not in the way that narcs do.  It’s a very fine and subtle line sometimes, almost easily missed.  Too easily missed if you ask me.

A narcs arrogance comes from a false identity.  Often times than naught, they have no sense of identity….so they just swallow up whomever they happen to sink their claws into and then spit that person out when they appear to be of no more use.
Sink.  Suck.  Spit.  Repeat.

The havoc, mayhem, and emotional mess they leave behind doesn’t concern them.  They have little to no empathy, and it wasn’t they who left behind the mess….It’s never them….It’s always everyone else’s fault.  Never them.

They are the masters of deflection and gas lighting.
If anything it’s YOUR fault things happened the way they did, because YOU didn’t love them enough.

You could have gouged out your eyes…thrown your self from a cliff…ripped your own heart out of your chest and eaten it as proof as to how much you loved and adored this person….and it would never be enough to satisfy a Narc.
They will always find some excuse to justify their behavior.
Because it’s never them.  In fact, if they can’t believe that they themselves are of any worth or have a deep sense of identity, then why would they believe your declarations of love?

*sigh*
I read a great quote which said “Narcissism is not just a word, It’s an experience.”

That right there…..is the gospel truth.  There are just not enough words to describe what it’s like to be involved with one of these people.  There are just not enough words to describe how lost, befuddled and simply baffled one feels after being abused by one of these people. 

There are just not enough words to describe how incredibly broken, hurt and bitter one feels after being discarded by one of these people.  Especially when the narc has moved on to other targets with no concern or care in regards to the damage they have done to you….or anyone for that matter.

It’s a long road to recovery.  To accepting what was….what was presented to you, and what was real….if any of it was real. 
Well, I mean, I’m sure parts were real, but disguised to me in order to get what this person needed from me…it’s still a thought that is hard for me to wrap my head around. It’s what keeps me questioning what was “real” between this person and I.
I have a lot of “Why’s?”

Unfortunately, I will never know the why’s…..which makes this experience that much more maddening.

I just want some answers.