Inertia

Upon the last new moon, I had decided that this time around, I would burn some intentions in hopes to better my situation and outlook on what was going on in my life at that time.  To gain some insight.

There were two “main” focuses, with very specific details as to what it was I wanted to manifest. 

I also threw in there some self actualizations. . .like better self awareness, acceptance, patience. . . shit like that.  You know. . .For fun.

As you may know (or not know) things were going pretty shitty at my old job.  So I set forth the intention to find a new place of employment.  One where I would feel happy, secure and useful. 

The other main intention that came to my mind that I would really love to see  change in a more positive direction was my personal life.  A relationship I am in.  For it to become more healthy in the way of more open communication, honesty, expression, acceptance, and less insecurity.

As I lit each intention I noticed something.  The “minor” intentions. .  or the self actualizations, did not take to the flame right away or if at all.  I had to keep relighting them so that they would burn all the way to ashes.

My main intentions however, were licked greedily by the flame and gobbled up almost immediately.

I didn’t want to get too overly superstitious, or read too much into any hidden meanings. . .I just noted in my head the difference.  I didn’t want to jinx anything by talking about it prematurely, but I will say that I did feel just a slight twinge of renewed faith that something bigger was listening.  That something could be jiving with my infinite being.  That perhaps a connection was being made with the plan I had laid out for myself before this life began.

The next day I went about my shitty work day.  Toward quitting time I received a call from a place i had applied to, to come in for an interview.

Now I had been submitting my resume left and right for weeks beforehand, and didn’t hear back from a single one.  How canny that the day after I do my burnings, I finally get a call.

hmmmmmmm.  Interesting.

I set up an interview for the Friday of that week towards the end of the day. 

Friday comes, and it turns out that on the day of that interview, was also the last day at my shitty job.

Even more interesting.

Even though I am freaking out and extremely pissed off at the circumstances of how it was i was let go, I go to the interview.

It wasn’t quite what I expected.  He said he would call me mid week of the following week to let me know what his decision would be.

Needless to say, I didn’t hear back from him when he said he would call.  I tried to not freak out about my situation.  I tried to not get angry or bitter over the uncanniness of events that took place. 

I drudged on and applied for more jobs. . .and more jobs.

I got another interview.  I went to it and I felt pretty good about the direction it had gone….The woman seemed to like me.  It was very laid back. 

It also freaked me out some because her demeanor reminded me so much of my old bitch boss when she was having a good day, that I didn’t want to risk working for another whackadoo should I be offered the job.

For two weeks I was out of work.  I was freaking out.  I got depressed.  I had panic attacks.  I stayed in bed unless I absolutely had to get up and go out.

Were it not for the show I am doing, or for my mom. . .well. . .I dunno.  I’d probably would have done something stupid.

One day, I finally got a call back from the guy I 1st interviewed with.  He wanted to offer me the job.  I took it.  Even though it paid $2.75 less than what I was making at my old shithole.  I didn’t want to go another week not working. 

As I hung up the phone, my other line beeped in.  It was the lady from my second interview offering me a job with her company.

Well how do you like that?

Now I had to decide on which job I was going to go with.  Even though I had already told the 1st guy yes, the other job offered more money and better perks and benefits.

The 1st job was right down the street from me. .. the second job was about 30 miles away.

Even though the 1st job seemed serendipitous….the call the day after the new moon. . . the interview on the day I was let go, I  decided to go with the second offer.

More importantly though, I think that all of these is a very good indicator that while the universe and powers that be can indeed guide you along a path. . .it truly is up to you to choose the path.

And I think that’s the lesson from all of this.

 

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Good Review, An Award and the Attack of the Coffee Table.

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That my friends, is from when I slammed into the coffee table on stage, fell backwards onto it and then rolled off it ninja style in an attempt to get off stage in a hurry during the final black out of the show.

It was most entertaining. . . All you heard was THUDBAMWHACK whilst this dark shadowy outline of a figure tried their best to get off stage before the lights came back up and anyone had seen their clumsy attempt to exit stage left.

Hahahaha!

I RULE!

Grace and night vision I do not have.

So glad that happened in the dark. . .though only two of us were on stage at the time of the exit, so the audience had a 50/50 chance of guessing who it was.

The audience that night was a church group who had bought out the house as a special outing.  There was a small reception afterwards with cake, and we were asked to come out and mingle some.

Since I wear the wig during the performance, when I come out after getting back into my regular wear, people hardly recognize me.  I blend right in.  Especially if there are lots of ladies of the night there wearing heavy amounts of make up.

(Hey, hookers like culture and shit too.)

But after a few minutes of standing there next to the rest of the actors who are sans wigs during the show, people caught on.

One little girl came up to me and presented me with a Best Actress Award.  Which was really really sweet.  There were a few kids who brought these awards to pass out to their favorite actors.

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(The woman who played my aunt took home two.)

It was really touching that she liked me that much.

Not only that, but I also received a nice compliment from another audience member who had actually worked at the Cleveland Playhouse ( which is a professional theater here in Cleveland.) during their production of Bell Book and Candle.

“I was scheduled to work at the recent Bell Book Candle production at the Cleveland Playhouse–Allen.   I was bored to tears with the first night’s production.     Leading lady certainly did not sell herself to me.    Didn’t improve with second night.  On the third night, the leading lady had food poisoning and they did not have an understudy to replace her.  Wheeeeeeeeeee, now I don’t have to sit through that again.

 Did not look forward to another production at Huntington, but, oh, well, I paid for the ticket…………W O W what a difference seeing a production in which the leading lady (and the entire cast for that matter) was doing an excellent job of producing that play.  I enjoyed every minute…..It was if I were seeing an entirely different play from the one at the Allen.   Congratulations, youse guys really came through again.”

So yeah me!

(In case you didn’t know. . . I’m the leading lady.  :P)

So all and all, The show so far is going really well. . .Even with me dropping my lines here and there. . and doing somersaults over coffee tables.

I So Hope This Happens This Year……

Yeah. . I am extremely bitter. . . and pissed.

If you have to go 2000 miles away from home because you feel like you can’t be “yourself” around the people who already accept you for who you are and make no judgements about it. . .

Then you’re an asshole.

I Have The Touch.

I am a big believer in action, not words. What you do, says a lot more to me than, well, what you say.

People say all kinds of shit. Let’s face it. We lie. The truth is beyond our lips at times. However, it’s harder to manipulate those subtle body cues that can be the dead give aways to our intentions, wants, likes and feelings.
Perfect example. Men. When your gal tells you nothing’s wrong, yet her body is stiff, distant and closed off…well that should be the big give away that she is lying.
Then again it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that when a woman says nothing is wrong that that is really your 1st give away that something is indeed wrong. 😛
But I kid.
Body cues. It’s the biggest indicator of intent.
The simple act of touching is another HUGE indicator of people’s intentions and feelings.
Obviously, when you really like someone, you are constantly touching them. I don’t mean in a pervy way either . . . though, you know, wink wink nudge nudge. . . umm. . what?
Yes. The power of touch. it’s usually a good indicator that the person is into you.
Now as I talk about the above, I am obviously talking about more in regards to a romantic/physical interest.
So why am I yapping about this?
It’s just something that I noticed the other day. Or for quite a while actually. . . but I’ve got some time on my hands, so why not yap about it.
Sure Sure. . . one can repeatedly say. . Yes. . I like you. I am very attracted to you. . . I find you very appealing. . yet when there is that lack of touch, that lack of wanting to touch, it makes me question what you are saying.
That is where my doubt comes.
I’m not saying that one must be pawing at one to prove their true intent.
Again. . . It’s science. It’s proven. It’s not psychological mumbo jumbo. . .It’s an innate human response. Strike that. It’s an innate response in just about every species.
Our emotions and body often betray what it is we are trying to hide. What we don’t want to say. What we don’t want to admit.
And simply put, it’s the truth that we hide from.
The truth of what it is actually the reality of what we truly feel, think and believe.
No one wants to be the bad guy, but I say, it’s better to be brutally honest than to blow smoke up people’s asses.
Brutal honesty I can forgive. Smoke blowing….not so much.
I dunno. Maybe I have been brainwashed by the commercialization of what love and passion is supposed to be. I know that things die down. Yet again, it’s those cues. Those subtle almost unmistakable cues that are the dead give aways. Even when the feelings of content settle in. . there is always the simplicity of touch.

That little reminder.

Bell Book and . . Uh. . What’s my line?

Last night was opening night. It went. . . all right I guess.

I was totally not on my game though. I paraphrased. . .I dropped lines. . .I totally blanked at one point (thank goddess for the women who plays my aunt for bringing me back on track.)
I even threw out a “Ummm, Uhh, Yeah.” Instead of the actual line.
However, when Act 2 rolled around, I pulled it together with the line business.
Yet, the whole time I was on stage I felt as if I was incredibly flat. I don’t think I put much emotion into what I was doing or inflection into what I was saying because I was so FOCUSED on getting the correct lines out.
I kept thinking that the audience must be tired of hearing me talk. Cause I know that’s how I felt.
Oh well. I still have what? 8 more times to get it right?
So yeah.
Let me just say, that I LOVE the wig I get to wear. I dare say, I think I might actually dye my hair this color.
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Fuck You Troll.

Seven years ago, I walked into an office for an interview.  A fabric company was looking for a new customer service person, and I was looking for a more grown up job.  The woman I interviewed with seemed very nice.  Out going, funny, personable….I liked her right away.  It was the strangest interview I’d ever gone on, because she didn’t really ask me anything about what skills I had, or why I felt I’d be a good fit for the position.  I wasn’t asked what my strengths and weaknesses were, In fact I wasn’t asked any of those typical interview questions.  How do I handle stress….What was a problem I resolved at my last place of employment….etc etc.
What we did talk about was how I had worked in a school cafeteria and the food they served. 
That was my interview.
I left feeling a bit puzzled, yet extremely hopeful that I would be hired.
At the time, I NEEDED that job to maintain my sanity after years of working through the politics of the educational system. 
I just didn’t want to “play games” anymore, or jump through hoops to do a job I was hired to do.

It was my saving grace.  A month later I was hired.
The woman who interviewed me…..My crazy bipolar boss.

Or ex boss I should say.

Today she informed me that it would be my last day.  That I was disrespectful.  I didn’t say hello in the morning.

Never mind that this is a woman who, yelled at me for handing her her fax off the fax machine.  Who criticized other employees wardrobes and hairstyles.  A woman who would gallump in and not say a word to anyone.  The very same women who called her employees fucking stupid and idiots when we didn’t live or perform up to her ever changing standards.

On top of her constant emotional swings, there were the customers. I’m not going to sugar coat when I say that Interior Decorators are not the brightest bunch of people. The sheer stupidity of questions and requests that were thrown my way after time wore on me. It baffles me how people, with degrees and college background could be so incredibly clueless.

And they were extremely rude. They acted as though you were beneath them.

I tried to be pleasant. I tried to be courteous, but after a certain point, it all became matter of fact with me.

I don’t believe in kissing ass. When you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Contrary to that old saying…the customer is NOT always right. People are greedy and shady. They lie. They manipulate to cover their own asses. You can twist it all you want. You can flip it. However, I don’t have time for that. It doesn’t matter to me that I work in customer service. I’ll help you all I can, I’ll be nice….but I won’t be the scapegoat for your fuck up.

And when they had outrageous or biased claims, my boss was the final say. Most of the time we were to tell the people sorry. Its not our problem. The mistake was on your end. There is nothing we can do. Of course we had to sugarcoat some. But We were to hold firm to what we were told and not back down.

Some customers would back down. Some would become more irate. Some would demand to speak to my supervisor, and when she took their calls they got exactly what it was they were trying to scam from us in the 1st place.
My boss’ fuck them attitude turned into her tongue so far up their assholes, and she would give them the moon if that’s what they wanted.

Meantime, because I was told to tell them no, whatever the circumstances, I then became the bad guy.

There were complaints to corporate that I was not easy to “deal” with.

It didn’t matter that I was doing what I was told.

Needless to say I was placed on probation. Corporate came in and handed me the news directly. My boss sat there nodding her head in agreement and further threw me under the bus even more.

Underneath it all, I knew that they were only keeping me around to train my co workers. I knew my shit. I was good. I knew the product.
The new company that came in and took over wasn’t keen on having a satellite office a state away. However, this side of the business was new to them and they needed someone who knew their shit. That was until they could catch up.

And now I’m out.

My boss didn’t help. Business has been slow. Afraid they would shitcan her too, she did everything in her power to make me look like the asshole.

And it worked.

Oh well.

That’s my story.

And now I have to get ready for a job interview that I had in place before I got canned.

Serendipitous? Maybe. We shall see.

Late Night Ramblings

I’m exhausted.  My brain hurts. I’m saying things and not even realizing what I’m saying.  Complete sentences just tumble out of my mouth with no conscious thought of their meaning.  Yet in my head all I hear is blah blah blah.  I’m so sick of my voice. 
I’m eating like shit.  Not making healthy choices.  Just grabbing whatever is fast and available.  My stomach seems to think that the only way to be satiated is with consuming greasy caloric laden foods.  My thighs and ass hate my stomach. 
My stomach doesn’t have to worry about being physically attractive to the opposite sex.  I mean, it gets to hang out inside of me….and what dude is turned on by stomachs?  Other than serial killers who like to disembowel  the innards of others?  I totally get why my ass and thighs hate my stomach.  My stomach is kind of a selfish asshole, not taking the rest of my body into consideration.  Just doing as it pleases.  Whining and grumbling for cheeseburgers.
Never mind the work the rest of the body has to do to work off that crap.

My boss….is an asshole.  I understand why her husband left her.  So many times today I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself and walk out…but where would that get me?  Rent is due….and I’m already a day late.

I want nothing more than to listen to the hymns and songs of insects and frogs that inhabit the night.
I missed the fireflies.
*sigh*

I want the life my cat leads.  I would gladly trade places for a life of no thumbs and licking my butt as long as it meant I get to sleep all day and not give a shit about anything except treats, food, that fast moving red dot, and a clean litter box.

I’m very on edge.
Flowers would be nice.  Just a little something.

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