Indefinitive Diagnosis.

My Urologist called last night to discuss my pathology report.  Something about the wording of it wasn’t sitting right with him and he wanted to “clarify” exactly what was meant in the report.

As I said, when he went in to probe my kidney, he was not expecting to find a tumor there.  All the scans and testing done previously had not shown that anything was there.  Not even a “shadow”.

So when he was faced with this mass in my kidney, he was incredibly surprised.  The sample he collected and sent off to the lab was apparently not substantial enough to make any kind of diagnosis.

So while carcinoma cells WERE detected in the sample, the pathologist felt that there was not enough of “sample”, to make a clear defined diagnosis.

So what does it mean?

Beats the hell out of me.

It now means I may or may not actually have cancer.  *sigh*

(I sigh because It’s not like i really wanted to have cancer. . . but wish that they would make up their minds.  Yes or no??)

Because of the sample, it’s a Definite Maybe.

He went on to say that even though there were 3 things listed on the report as being “detected” (abnormal cells and carcinoma being two of those three.  Don’t exactly remember what the 3rd was) It could be any of the above.  So the Pathologist, couldn’t say “exactly” which of the 3 it was, based off the sample.

My Urologist said that in his experience, that if its showed up on the report, then it IS there.

However, HE can’t make a definitive diagnosis based off the pathologists diagnosis.

Is any of this making sense?

We talked about how, even though NOW they can’t say it is, or isn’t, the fact is, I still have this tumor, and I still have this unexplained bleeding coming from my left kidney. In his opinion, he feels that is enough reason to still proceed with the removal of it.

But hold on.

The unexplained bleeding. . . is now  lessening.  So much so, that I am almost having “normal” looking urine.

(as opposed to the Cola colored to bright red color that I’ve been experiencing for the past 5 months.)

I’d like to buy the world one.

I just noticed this the other day.  (It makes me wonder if this cunning and conniving tumor knows that it’s about to get the boot and is trying to make it seem like it was all my imagination that it’s there.)

I don’t know if something was loosened when he did the probe, and now I am getting. . . uh, you know, ummm. . . free clean flow, so to speak?

If the case is, that this tumor IS benign, then maybe i don’t NEED to have my whole kidney taken out.

Maybe part of it was just blocking the way?

My urologist felt pretty confident in saying that he would not be surprised in the least if they took out the kidney and they did in fact find cancer in it.

However, I would hate to have the kidney removed, and then they find out that it wasn’t cancerous at all.

I’m out a kidney.  That’s not good.

Ugh.  It’s just a big mess.  I don’t know what to do.

I would go for a second opinion, however, to have to go  through ALL the same tests again, to possibly come out to the same conclusion (cancer/tumor) 3 months later. . . to learn what I already know NOW, and to waste time in getting it out of me. . . I’m not sure I can afford that.

With my job ending soon (that’s another story) I am not sure how much longer I am going to have my medical insurance, and really need to take full advantage of it while I can.

Anywho, I go again on the second back to see the Urologist to talk face to face and to make a decision.

Stupid Kidney.  Stupid tumor.

Cancer Talk

Its been strange telling everyone that I have “cancer”.

I say that loosely, because even though I DO have it, it seems that it will be easily treated, and therefore I am some sort of tourist in a land that is filled with fatigue, nausea, hair loss and constant battle for life.

When I think of cancer I think of Lifetime network movies, where someone is laid up in bed, and a visitor is greeted by the care taker and is told that the cancer fighter is having one of her “good days.”  Then smiles and hurrys away to clean up the snot and puke collected in whatever container they’ve collected said bodily fluids in.

Valerie Bertinelli down to 100 lbs with dark circles under her eyes and a head scarf.

I look nothing like that, and will probably not have to go through all the chemo/radiation/poking and prodding that usually goes along with those scenarios.

I’ll go in, they will make some incisions, pull my kidney out through my belly button, and I’ll be done.

So it’s like I don’t even really want to tell anyone that I’ve got the cancer.  The past day as I have let my closest loved ones know, it’s always been the same reaction.

Their face immediately turns forlorn and worrisome, and tears begin to well up in their eyes.

Then I have to say ” No No!  It’s ok!  It’s contained!  They just have to  take out my kidney!”and then feel like a big dick for worrying people more than they need to be about this.

I mean, I dunno, Yeah sure, losing a kidney is a big deal, but I am so fortunate that I don’t have to go down the path that many people with cancer face, and for some reason in my head, because I don’t have to, trivializes the battles all of those that do.

There are even talks of throwing a fundraiser for me to help defer medical costs, and while I do have insurance (with stupid premiums and deductibles.) I have a hard time being comfortable with the idea of people coming together to raise money for my hospital bills.

Its a nice gesture, and I’m all about a party. . . but again, it just feeds into my whole this is not as serious as pancreatic cancer, or brain cancer in a 5 yr old mentality.

Maybe I just don’t want to accept this cancer.  Regardless of the seriousness of it, or lack of.

I KNOW i will be fine.  I KNOW i will come out alright.

It’s just another annoying medical anomaly that I have to deal with.

The Big C

Well friends, it looks like I’ve got the Big “C”. . . In my kidney.

The doctor called yesterday and said that 3 carcinomas showed up on my pathology report.  He stated that the pathologists didn’t come right out and say yes to there being cancer. . . but he didn’t come right out and say no either.  My doctor then went on to say that in his experience, that if the 3 carcinomas are even listed as being detected, then good chances are. . .

It’s strange.  I mean, I’m gonna come out of this ok.  It’s contained in the kidney, so it’s not going anywhere, and he wanted to remove the entire kidney anyways, so its not as if I need to start wig shopping or looking for head scarves.  (though I do often fantasize about shaving my head and wearing wigs just to be done with my willful hair.  But that’s another blog.) But to hear the word “Cancer” and know it’s inside you hanging out having a good old time. . . I dunno.  I guess there are no words.

I’m very fortunate that this is in an area where it is easily treatable.  Some people who are told about their big “C” aren’t as lucky. 

I’m a strong gal, so I’ll get through it.

Sometimes though, I just get tired of being strong.  All I really want right now is someone to take care of me.  To kiss me on the forehead and tell me it will all be ok. . . and to make me grilled cheese sandwiches.